Episode 412

Today, I'd like to take a look at four characters who this past week officially made their way from rock star to rock bottom (whether temporary or permanent). These four television men have fallen from grace into their own personal hells. Beginning with the most recent:

Jake: We couldn't have a season of The Bachelor without a twist (are they even twists anymore if we're expecting them?). Last night, not only did Jake "pull a Mesnick" after having his heart broken by one of the less desirable women on the show, but that same woman (at least based on previews) will pull a Swiderski (I'm going to go ahead and claim coinage on that last one). The point is that Jake -- arguably the nicest bachelor ever -- went from being on top of the world, to crying over a banister.

Barney: On this week's episode of How I Met Your Mother, Barney finally realizes an ultimate dream, thanks to his stint at the Super Bowl. He has every woman (TV-watching women, by the way) calling him until he is literally driven insane wondering if the girl on the phone will be hotter than the girl he has in bed. Other than maybe during his relationship with Robin, I don't think we've ever seen him so pathetic.

David Wallace: Who saw this coming? David Wallace was perhaps the most normal person at Dunder Mifflin (who can forget that incredible scene when Michael tells him "I think you're a nice guy, too"?). He had his head on his shoulders, treated everyone -- no matter how Dwightish -- with respect and seemed to have his life in order. This past week, though, we saw him fall (not literally) into a hot tub while pitching unintentionally sexually charged children's toys to his former employee.

Ben: I don't know which was worse -- the look on Ben's face when he saw Locke's body in the coffin or the similar look when fake-Locke told him what Locke was thinking in his final moments: "I don't understand." And that's exactly what Ben must have been thinking when realized what he'd just done. Think about Season 2 Ben and how far he's fallen since then. I hate to compare LOST to Gossip Girl (clearly I will anyway), but his transformation is very reminiscent of Chuck's transformation from near-rapist to lost puppy.

Episode 411

Some of the best TV moments are those when we suddenly are able to relate to a character who is usually completely (and amazingly) out of touch with reality. As I've mentioned a couple times in various posts, these moments usually happen with characters like Michael Scott and Leslie Knope. The most recent Michael or Leslie on TV comedy comes in the form of Phil Dunphy on Modern Family. And on this week's episode, we had one of those precious moments when Phil is more like us than we thought. We're getting older and, just like Phil, we have to understand that. If only our revelations came in the form of 40-second moments of pure hilarity.

Here's the moment.

P.S. I didn't want to just post a link to a clip without some kind of comment, so I wrote a lead-in paragraph to make it seem like I was actually adding anything to the clip itself. What I'm trying to say is this: TV speaks for itself. Which is awesome, but it doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to speak for it.

Episode 410

I've had some time to detox after the LOST premiere, so here it goes. First of all, I'd just like to point out that LOST is the only show on television that requires more time to watch on DVR or the Internet than on regular TV. Usually you think well, hey, this will only be 42 minutes of my life instead of 60 because I can skip the commercials, but the ability to pause the episode turned -- at least for me -- what should have been two hours into about three and a half. Every word that anyone says ("the first plane"?!) requires a pause (and a "did she say the first plane?!").

In any case, although there is a lot of other quality TV on to talk about (the season premiere of Shear Genius?) I will indulge and give my two cents on LOST. And I'll do it today because I am hoping beyond hope that tonight's episode of The Office gives me something to write about tomorrow.

Now that I've made it to paragraph three without actually saying anything of substance about the premiere, I'll give it a (very brief) go. I don't intend to discuss my theories because I'll just drive myself and everyone else mad and there's absolutely nothing I can suggest here that hasn't already been said in a thousand other places. What I'll do, instead, is suggest what I think were the most important moments of the episode -- the moments that I believe will be crucial in unraveling this crazy mystery that is the last 5 years of our lives. I think there were a lot of moments in the premiere that were just for the amusement of the viewers and nothing more (e.g. Boone tricking Locke into thinking he isn't a vampire), but the following five events are definitely going to come back later in the season. I don't know exactly what they mean, but I know they must mean something:

1) Jack now has a fear of flying that he didn't have before.
2) Desmond apparently disappears from the plane.
3) Charlie says he was supposed to die.
4) Jack gives Locke his business card.
5) (It's almost too obvious to say, but:) Christian Shephard's coffin is missing.

Now before I go crazy or begin the Lostpedia browsing that will turn me into a hermit for the rest of the day, I'll just wrap it up by saying this: I think they should avoid airing commercials for V, starring Juliet, or commercials with Kate as a make-up promoter during these LOST episodes. Kind of takes away from the intensity of the whole thing.

Episode 409

There are officially less than 24 hours until the final season premiere of LOST. Because I will be locking myself in my apartment and blocking Internet access to all sites except Lostpedia for at least several days following the return, I figured it would be best to post now.

And since LOST always makes me feel like an idiot (how did I not realize that Locke's backgammon story was foreshadowing the final season?), I thought I'd take this opportunity to confirm my superior intelligence in respect to Alex Trebek.

I was planning on citing an example from last night's Jeopardy when Alex condescendingly spelled out a word to the contestants who were unable to answer a question correctly and lo and behold, he spelled it wrong (a-u-g-e-r instead of a-u-g-u-r). I was also planning on mentioning that I caught it and was vindicated minutes later when Alex was informed of his mistake and apologized for having misspoken (I actually don't remember if he said "misspoke" instead of "made a mistake" but I'm going to go ahead and trust my instincts on this one). But I don't really need to address any of that because his inferior intelligence is so blatantly clear even without such specific examples.

Though I may never be bright enough to go on Jeopardy, I can take solace in the fact that I'm at least smarter than the host. Which is more than I can say about Wheel of Fortune, because Pat Sajak cleaned up on Celebrity Jeopardy while, by the way, simultaneously stealing the show. Honestly, Pat Sajak is kind of a comedic genius.

Episode 408

Since the State of the Union address aired last night, I think it's obvious what I'll be posting about today.

American Idol.

Neil Patrick Harris's appearance as a guest judge was a stroke of pure genius and a nice change of pace from the surprisingly bitchy and condescending Avril Lavigne. In any case, if Harris's stint on Idol is any indication of what his alleged guest role on Glee will be like, the answer is -- wait for it -- awesome. Other than the twelve-too-many Doogie Howser jokes made (that's on Fox, not NPH), it was pure bliss -- particularly when he began hum-harmonizing to the theme song from Barney. And no, there's no double-HIMYM-meaning anywhere in that.

Last night we also saw Randy at his best. In addition to such profound musical guidance as "No, dude, I mean, really, right?" Randy completely overturned the rules of mathematics, telling several people that he was voting "a million percent yes" and even giving one lucky auditioner "a billion percent yes" (that's 1,000,000,000% for those of you who wanted to visualize). That really makes Kara's 110%s and Simon's definitelies and absolutelies seem quite tame.

For those of you who were watching DVRed Obama instead of American Idol (I know more people still vote for president than American Idol, but not by much) -- there was a worth-watching TV commentary in song on last night's episode. This guy should musical blog. With Neil Patrick Harris.

Episode 407

As the return of LOST approaches, I'd like to write about something near and dear to all of our hearts: The Constant. Though I'm sure we've all analyzed (to death) who or what our constant is in our own lives -- not to mention its many implications on the program -- it's interesting to think about constants withinTV shows.

With Simon's recently-announced departure from American Idol, many viewers wonder whether the show will last. Can it succeed without Simon? My prediction -- based on the science of the constant -- is yes. Because of Ryan Seacrest's (awesome and) continuing presence on the show, fans will still be in their comfort zone watching and it won't feel like their whole world was turned upside down.

A similar example is found in shows like Survivor. How is it that fans have kept the show going for 20 seasons when (usually) none of the cast is recycled? Two words: Jeff Probst. Without Jeff Probst -- Survivor's constant -- the show wouldn't stand a chance.

For those of you who are about to object/stop reading because of my reliance on reality TV examples, The Constant Theory works for scripted shows as well. Something tells me, for example, that no one would be getting behind the Dillon Panthers for J.D. McCoy; but for Coach Taylor, our loyalty never dies. Friday Night Lights has had to filter out some of its central characters because of the whole graduating from high school thing, but with Coach, Tammy, and Buddy around, the show still feels like home.

So my advice to writers and producers would be this: make sure that, from Episode 1, you have a constant. Someone who won't quit, graduate, or decide he wants to make the move back to 11:35pm.

P.S. If you didn't click on the link above, now's the time. It is absolutely worth it, probably even more if you're not a LOST fan.

Episode 406

30 Rock finally lost its award-winning momentum this year at the Golden Globes (just ignore Alec Baldwin's absentee win) when it was beat out for best Comedy/Musical series by Glee. It was a nice change of pace, to say the least. I also applaud the Hollywood Foreign Press for the nomination of Modern Family, which has only been around for a few months, but has made a big and well-deserved splash. But here's my question: if the newborn Modern Family can earn a spot in the ceremony, where was Parks and Recreation?

Parks and Recreation has completely blown away the other Thursday night NBC shows this season. Last week's episode put the icing on the cake, when Will Arnett made a guest appearance as a potential love interest for Amy Poehler . But it wasn't just his spot-on and lingering facial expressions that made this episode such a stand-out.

While we've already determined that Parks and Recreation is no longer just The Office 2.0 (or 3.0, I guess), what was glaringly clear last Thursday was that Leslie Knope is no longer just a female version of Michael Scott. Yes, she still shares a lot of characteristics with the World's Best Boss, but there is something strikingly different about Leslie: she has a sense of self-awareness. She may say something crude and inappropriate to the camera, but instead of just smilingly blankly after the fact, she usually realizes her mistake. Similarly, and this is important, she has the ability to grasp when other people are crazy (i.e. Will Arnett's character) something that Michael Scott can never do (i.e. Todd Packer).

So, who has two thumbs and thinks Parks and Recreation should have won the Golden Globe?

THIS GUY.