Episode 314

There are a lot of things that happen on television that don't happen in real life (no need to list every single thing Michael Scott has ever done). But there is one thing that is so prevalent on TV and so seemingly natural on screen that it is spiraling out of control: on television, when someone has to tell someone something -- anything -- person one just goes to person two's house.

Exhibit A: Have you ever seen Coach Taylor on FNL pick up the phone when he has to whip Tim Riggins into shape or apologize to an angry parent? No, he just marches right on over to that person's house, sweet talks them with his sexy accent and then asks, "You u'erstand me?" Done and done, no need to use semi-modern technology.

It becomes even more ridiculous when it requires more than simply getting in the car and driving five minutes across town in order to complete these visits. Think about Joey and Dawson. Every time Joey climbed up that ladder, she had to have paddled all the way down the creek in her little canoe first. She very well could have just sent Dawson an e-mail (although this would have foiled her apparent plan to be as obnoxious as possible) but she chose to go straight over to his house and pull the old Clarissa Explains it All.

And finally, the most recent, and perhaps the most exaggerated house visit of all, is on Gossip Girl. How many times has Serena gone all the way from the Upper East Side to Brooklyn to tell Dan about something really unimportant? And then he gives her 'tude and she says "you know, nevermind, I shouldn't have even come..." and leaves. Um, 1) Duh. You could have just texted, we know you know how; 2) You're seriously going to come all the way to Brooklyn and then just turn around because some guy in a skinny tie gives you lip?

Now I know that Coach Taylor is a southern gentleman, and that Joey lives on the wrong side of the creek, and that Brooklyn is so much more rockin' than Manhattan (you just wouldn't understand), but come on people, welcome to the 21st century.

Episode 313

I am well aware that the majority of people watching the new 90210 were not old enough, or even alive enough, to watch the original. But what I learned last night was that I am officially not of the same generation of the new West Bev gang. Dixon, a high schooler, is dating a girl, Sasha, who is a few years out of college, like yours truly. He's upset that he always has to go to her place and she responds that she doesn't want to go in public or people will talk, and she won't go to his parents' place because, and I quote, "I am not sneaking in the window, Katie Holmes-style". Dixon then proceeds to completely NOT get the reference.

Does this mean that, while it would be semi-acceptable to date a seventeen-year-old guy, I would absolutely not be able to watch the same television shows as him? Maybe. More importantly, what this means is that the people writing for the new 90210 are of the Dawson's Creek generation. This is somewhere between totally awesome and really depressing. I write a blog about television and people my age actually write that same television. Although, people my age also have 14 Olympic gold medals.

Episode 312

If we can all suspend disbelief for a moment here, let's just say that CNN.com reports news stories (though we have all known for a very long time that this is untrue). What I discovered today is that -- if CNN.com is a news website -- we are better off getting our news from The Office. This incredible program has been on American airwaves since 2005 (and Office Space -- a screen shot from which they use in the article! -- was six years before that) and just now CNN is reporting the premise of this show under the category of "Latest News". Latest news! "Four Obnoxious Attitudes in the Office" is the title of the article, and the four categories delineated are "the suck-up", "the naysayer", "the drama queen", and "the star of the show". Yes, these categories would have better been labeled as "Dwight/Andy", "Stanley", "Kelly", and "Michael", but that's not even my beef. Label it as you may, THIS IS NOT NEWS. This is -- if it's anything at all -- really good TV.

And in this really good TV, the office does not, as the author of this article claims, "lack an open bar and a karaoke machine". Kudos to the Scranton branch for finally laying that myth to rest.

Episode 311

If you have fifteen minutes to spare, stop reading this entry and go to this site immediately. There, you will find a quiz in which you are asked to name the titles of the shows that accompany the top 100 television episodes of all time, according to TV Guide.

The first time I did it, I had the embarrassing showing of only being able to name 40 shows. It was not a good moment for me, I'll tell you that much. BUT -- without looking at the ones I missed, I let a day pass and took it again just now and I came up with 65. (I also missed 9 of the shows I had originally named the first time, so I am going to reward myself with a grand total of 74 -- you can judge me as you wish for skewing the results.) And as much as I hate to give you an automatic answer in case you try, but I think we can fairly say I named 74 out of 99, because one of the top 100 episodes comes from the GILMORE GIRLS (wtf) which I clearly was not going to type in as having made TV history.

Oh, and did I mention that by having fifteen free minutes, I meant five hours and fifteen minutes because you will inevitably get dragged into all of the other amazing quizzes on the site? Sorry, I probably should have mentioned that before you clicked.

Episode 310

Watch this.

Then watch this.

If ever there were a time to say OMG, now would be it.

OMG.

Now, depending on how thoroughly embarrassed you are for crying at work/school/with no one else around, you can watch this to dry the tears. So good. Just so good.

Episode 309

There is something severely fun about going to restaurants whose reviews you've read, either in a newspaper, a magazine, or online. Not only does it give you more reason to go, but while you're there, you can have stimulating dinner conversation about "this article I read" about the place. Suddenly, you transform from average diner into locale connoisseur.

Even more exciting, though, is going to a restaurant you've seen on TV.

The summer show The Best Thing I Ever Ate was absolutely incredible. Let's just put it this way: when Guy Fieri tells you what the best burger he ever ate was, you're just going to have to eat it. You have no other option. I mean, I even wanted to eat a plateful of shrimp heads after hearing it described by Duff. Unfortunately, most of the places featured are in New York or down south because that's where all the Food Network personalities are from, but I did go to Bi-Rite to get Sam's Sundae (items in picture are larger than they appear), and it was even better than it sounded.

The other day, I went to Tom Colicchio (head judge on Top Chef)'s sandwich place in San Francisco. Five years ago, people didn't know who Tom Colicchio was. Now, people (read: me) eat at his restaurants just so they can say they ate at "that Top Chef guy's" restuarant. And that's why it pays -- literally -- to be a TV personality.

If you're into food and you're into television, which should be the case for every breathing human, definitely read this article: It's long, and I hate it when people send me long articles and then I feel obliged to read them instead of watching TV, but it's definitely worth it, so please feel obliged.

Episode 308

Somebody on Survivor found the immunity idol before the presence of an immunity idol had even been announced. Television, particularly of the reality variety, has become so predictable that by watching, future contestants can now beat the system before the system is even there. So Russell, your typical Survivor d-bag, sticks his hand up a tree and finds the immunity idol within about five minutes of starting the search. Kind of anti-climatic.

In an era of such predictable TV -- so predictable that even the people on the show know what's coming next -- Modern Family, another fantastic new sitcom this fall, is a breath of fresh air. I highly recommend watching the whole thing: it will be the best 21 minutes and 35 seconds of your week, guaranteed; but if you're too busy to watch TV (i.e. you're a condescending grad student), just watch this short -- and absolutely perfect -- clip. Out of context, but still worth it.

I'm assuming this was intentional, but it's kind of like the new generation of Arrested Development. It's relatively more normal (relatively being the key word) and a little less subtle, at least at this point, but it's got that same these-people-are-jackasses-but-you-love-them-even-more-for-it kind of feel. Since being just too over the top got Arrested Development prematurely canceled, the slightly more human characters of Modern Family might make this a keeper not only for the viewers, but for the networks, too.