Episode 520

I was recently sent an interesting article by my east coast contingency entitled "When is it time to break up with your favorite TV show?"  I have asked myself that many times in the past and now I pose the following question: is it grinchy to do it around the holidays?  Or more specifically, because of the holidays?  The way I see it, if Glee can't pull off a successful Christmas episode, at least in terms of its musical numbers (other than Kurt and Blaine's rendition of Baby It's Cold Outside), what can it do? Christmas should be so easy for that show, and it totally blew it.

On the other side of the coin, the Christmas episode of Community was completely in Claymation, something that should not be easy to pull off, and it was absolutely brilliant.  In it, Claymated Abed is looking for the meaning of Christmas, and in one of the more perfect moments of the episode, is led to a box containing the first season of LOST.  "It represents lack of payoff," Abed asserts.  As much as I resent this comment (while absolutely dying from the hilarity), I can absolutely see how someone who broke up with LOST during Season 3 or 4 would have a completely valid reason for saying this.  In fact, I was almost a victim of a LOST break-up.  And so I second guess my desire to end it with Glee, because there are also plenty of other shows that I nearly broke up with - namely 30 Rock during Season 3 and Parks and Recreation during Season 1 - that turned themselves around in such a massive way that I feel bad even having thought about breaking it off.

(On a semi-unrelated note, there is not one other program on television that could pull off a Claymation episode without really changing the tone of the show. Similarly, I would be hard pressed to think of a sitcom other than 30 Rock that could complete a successful live episode or a show other than Modern Family that could take its whole cast to Hawaii and not have it turn into a Saved by the Bell cheese-fest fiasco.)

And then, of course, there are the shows that I still wish I'd had the gumption to break up with.  Unless there's a miracle on 5th Ave., I think I've stayed with Gossip Girl three seasons too long.  And while it's easier to end it with a reality TV show, I still can't resist the pull to The Bachelor, even when Jake and Vienna make me embarrassed to be a human being.  But I suppose it's better to stick with a show only to be disappointed than to be the dumpee, as we all were with the likes of Arrested Development and Freaks and Geeks.  Those are scars that just don't heal.

Episode 519

I'd really like to be on Ellen.  I've thought about ways to get myself there: be the most generous, giving, volunteering, selfless person ever; become a 12-year-old boy, sing Lady Gaga, and have it go viral on YouTube; lose the job I don't have so I can no longer support the children I don't have; marry Harry Connick, Jr. ... the options are endless, just not very realistic (other than that last one, for which I'm still holding out hope).

And in order for this post to have any content whatsoever, I suggest you watch this hilarious You Can't Do That on Television (or can you?) moment, care of the lovely and just-inappropriate-enough Ellen.

Episode 518

When we think of getting in the holiday spirit, we usually think of music and movies (though I realize that doesn't mean Rockapella Christmas and The Holiday for just everyone).  This year, though, I tried my hand at holiday TV to bring in the cheer.  There are many ways to get into the holiday spirit through television: we can download the Glee Christmas album before Thanksgiving (you know who you are), we can feel warm and fuzzy when Ellen gives away wonderful things to wonderful people, or -- and this was my M.O. -- we can sit down and watch all of the Christmas episodes of The Office in one sitting (I cheated a little and threw "Dewali" in there only so I could hear Andy scream "Tuna, are you kidding me?!"  To be fair, Michael does sing a version of The Hanukkah Song at the end).

This year, as the Christmas Pandora station is playing in the background while you watch Home Alone on loop, remember that TV can have just as much holiday charm as music and movies.  Particularly when it involves Michael Scott exhibiting his genuine wit: "I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candied Pams. And perhaps some Pam chops. With mint..."  If that can't bring you some holiday cheer, what Pam?

Episode 517

In the days of DVD and DVR, we have a tendency to fast-forward through the opening credits of even our favorite TV shows.  Sometimes we're better off - for instance, after four seasons of Gossip Girl, we get that there's one secret you'll never tell.  But some shows really know how to work their themes into the episode.  Perhaps my favorite example of this is the cold open of The Office that shows Michael's reaction to Toby's return - his screaming is so perfectly interrupted by the theme song that we wonder how long it would have otherwise gone on.  Dexter's wonderfully creepy opening theme (though two minutes is a bit long) is actually figured into one episode - a scene showing Dexter in his morning routine - instead of being played at the beginning.

Everyone will always remember the classic theme songs - Love Boat, Friends, Sesame Street, Cheers - but I think the best  are the ones you can sing along to using just "doo doo doo"s or "bum bum bum"s (even better, ones that are essentially doo doo doos and bum bum bums on their own - How I Met Your Mother, Parks and Recreation, etc.).  Or, just one big BUM, as to not interrupt any brilliance at work. 

There are also shows whose themes work to their disadvantage.  I know someone who refuses to watch Dawson's Creek because they can't make it past Paula Cole.  Then there's Two and Half Men, whose theme is (if this is possible) even more grating than the show itself (I'll spare you the links on those ones).  But at least those are memorably bad, instead of forgettable.  Speaking of which, I dare anyone to hum the theme to Modern Family.  Impossible, right?  What a waste.

Episode 516

Today I will write in honor of one of my most loyal readers who yesterday ran the Philadelphia marathon. In order to more fully empathize (yes, marathon runners deserve empathy) with my friend-in-training, I chose to train for - and participate in - some marathons of my own. Over the past 12 days, I have watched the first two seasons of Dexter, all of Better Off Ted (two seasons) and Archer (one season), and I have begun my marathon re-watching of Seasons 5 and 6 of The Office. And that was all without turning on the television (thank you Netflix Watch Instantly), so it doesn't include any on-TV-rerun marathons, like my 12-hour America's Next Top Model day (I swear it was a season I'd never seen).

It is a vastly different experience to watch a show all at once as opposed to waiting week by week (and year by year): for thrillers, it's easier to figure out the mystery; for comedies, you're more in tune to recurring jokes; generally, you are able to appreciate the complexities that might otherwise go unnoticed. I tried to watch Better Off Ted when it was airing, but couldn't maintain interest; now having watched it all in the course of a couple of days, I'd say it is one of the smarter comedies to have graced the screen over the past few years (though of course it has tough competition and can't quite edge out the NBC line-up).

In any case, for those of you who might tell me I've wasted my time with my so-called marathons whereas "real" marathons are worth something, I'd just like to point out some uncanny similarities between the two and then, perhaps, you can reevaluate:

1) They're both called marathons.
2) The entire series of Better Off Ted (and the first two seasons of Dexter for that matter) is 26 episodes. 26 miles. Just saying.
3) Pacing is crucial for both (don't get burnt out after the first season and then lose interest).
4) Both require training (don't try to watch a TV marathon if you've never exposed yourself to more than a few episodes in a row).
5) Needing to pee during both is an enormous drag (you lose time and momentum in either case).

Episode 515

Television is home to a lot of crazies. We've got Charlie Sheen making Paris Hilton look tame. There's a potential presidential candidate with her own reality TV show. And don't forget the Survivor producer who allegedly killed his wife.

Maybe we can forgive some of this. I mean, with the absurd amount of money TV stars make, the pressure of fame and wealth, the crazy hours - it can drive a person nuts.

But, can we forgive this guy? A man in Wisconsin "was allegedly so upset by Palin's performances on Monday night's show – she danced the paso doble and the waltz – that he fired a gun at his television, prompting a 15-hour standoff at his Black Earth, Wis., home." I am so far from making this up, it's terrifying.

Episode 514

Television shows talking about television shows has become more and more common. There are plenty of different ways to do it, some more clever than others. Community tends to get "meta." The most recent episode had the study group stuck in their room (during a puppy parade, at that - how much funnier could obvious get?) for the entire afternoon and led it off with Jeff's phone call to cancel his date for the evening: "Tell your disappointment to suck it. I'm doing a bottle episode!" And a bottle episode they did.

Another technique was adopted by The Office last week: just show the characters watching TV. In this particular episode, Kelly and Gabe host a Glee viewing party; people host viewing parties for The Office all the time, but the characters on The Office watch Glee. We also know that Dwight watches Battlestar Galactica and The Apprentice and that Andy gets his LOST on. This makes the characters feel more like us, but our brains just might explode if they ever started watching The Office. I think only 30 Rock could pull off something like that (since the show is essentially about itself already). You heard it here first.

Last night, we saw another, much less subtle move on How I Met Your Mother. Barney, in an attempt to get Ted to ditch his punchy high school friend, goes on to recite nearly every reality TV tagline ever: "He has got to go. You need to be like, you are the weakest link goodbye! Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn't work for me. Your time's up. I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped! You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Sashay away! Give me your jacket and leave Hell's kitchen! You did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen." (For those of you who are curious, that is: The Weakest Link, Survivor, Top Chief, Work of Art: The Next Great Artist, Flavor of Love, Beauty and the Geek, Joe Millionaire, Rock of Love, Chopped, Big Brother, Top Chef: Just Desserts, Ru Paul's Drag Race, Hell's Kitchen, The Bachelor(ette), The Amazing Race, America's Next Top Model, The Apprentice, Project Runway.)

I think the moral of the story is: if Barney has a high-powered banking job, spends the evening with a different girl each night, and still has time to watch all that reality television, I never again want to hear someone say they don't have time for TV. It's just not possible. And it's certainly not right.

Episode 513

Television, as a general rule, is easy to watch. That's part of why people condescend to it: it doesn't take much brain power to enjoy. So when shows produce content that is hard to watch, it becomes both ground-breaking and, well, hard to watch.

Thanks to my Los Angeles based TV consultant, I have recently (and finally) begun watching Dexter. Now this is a show that should be hard to watch - every episode involves several brutal murders, usually quite graphic. Yet you rarely need to turn away. Perhaps we can chalk it up to the dark humor infused into each episode. But I think the reason it's palatable is that the protagonist is a self-proclaimed sociopath with no feelings. While we might pity him because of his lack of emotion, it's impossible to be completely empathetic. As Dexter says in the third episode, "If I had a heart, it might be breaking right now." Well, if he had a heart, ours might be breaking, too. So instead, the real hard-to-watch is a show like Breaking Bad, where the protagonist is a dying man often committing brutal acts of violence to protect his family. Viewers (hopefully) haven't been in that situation, but we have felt pain and we can only imagine the amplified version of that pain that Walter White is experiencing. It's desperate, and it's hard to watch.

Hard to watch doesn't necessarily mean heartbreaking. Recently, it has become clear that the American public has a hard time watching anyone other than typically beautiful people engage in any sort of sexual encounter (exposed recently through a controversial article surrounding Mike and Molly). I wonder if this week's Glee kiss between Mr. Schu (who is meant to be hot stuff) and Bieste (a female actress made up to seem extremely masculine) will re-start that conversation.

One final kind of hard-to-watch is the hilarious kind: the scene when you are so embarrassed for the people involved that you would be crying if you weren't laughing so hard. The best example of this is the Scott's Tots episode of The Office. Watching Michael explain to a group of high school students that he can't pay their way through college as he'd promised so many years ago is The Office at it's hard-to-watch best. You almost want to mute the scene so you don't have to listen to Michael find the right (read: wrong) words to get through the moment. This is the kind of hard-to-watch that makes certain people say that The Office makes them uncomfortable. Well, that's the point.

Episode 512

I have been having some blogger's block and it got me thinking how it's possible that TV writers can come up with so much material week to week (and never repeat anything, with a few exceptions, as we'll see below). I then realized that -- in addition to being complete geniuses -- they have teams of writers, making this job a bit easier. Even if each person only has one or two quick jokes, it can come together to form an episode when the lead writer takes over to put it all together. So I figured, why not just throw together a few observations I've had over the past couple of weeks, and maybe I, too, will have a full episode. Here goes:

1) Sad news in the world of game shows. Charlie O'Donnell, the voice of Wheel of Fortune, passed away earlier this week. Not since the death of Rod Roddy have I been so saddened by the loss of person whose face I had never really even seen. I don't know which is more depressing -- the death of this legendary (in my mind) announcer, or the fact that Vanna White is in her mid-50s.

2) It turns out academia has its saving graces. Greg Daniels, Paul Lieberstein, and Carrie Kemper will be coming to Stanford to talk about The Office under the guise of a symposium for the American Studies program. American Studies doctorate, here I come. I knew I choose the wrong discipline.

3) I DVRed Portia de Rossi's appearance on Ellen, looking forward to hearing her Australian accent, but was sorely disappointed when she sounded like she had just stepped out of a limo from Orange County. She sounds just like Lindsay Bluth. I find it fascinating to hear foreign actors who play American characters speak with their actual accents - Chuck Bass and Charles Miner are British? Truly bizarre.

4) As I mentioned above, it is amazing that writers have so much material that they never repeat themselves. In shows like Arrested Development or 30 Rock, where every line, sometimes even every word, deserves a laugh, how is it possible that they are able to come up with a continuous stream of jokes and bits? Other than certain catch phrases that just flow right off the tongue -- that's what she said -- most jokes are used once, for a two-second laugh, and then have to be discarded forever. Daunting. Well, I recently caught two exceptions to this rule (and I'm sure there are many more):

• In the third episode of the first season of Friends, the gang is discussing ways to cushion the blow of a break-up and Chandler compares it to parents telling their kids that their dog, who has died, just went to live on a farm. Ross - already the naive one - counters that his parents actually sent his dog to a farm...hilarity ensues. Then, in the series finale, this same joke is repeated, but at Joey's expense, when Joey thinks that the Chick and the Duck had been taken to a farm. The only difference: Joey never realizes the truth.

• The cold open for last week's episode of The Office had the characters testing how far into absurdity they could go without Stanley noticing (Pam with a mustache? No problem. A donkey in the office? Doesn't blink an eye). Despite the fact that this scene had me in stitches, it can't go unnoticed that they already used this bit, though briefly, with another character: when March Madness fever came over the office in Season 3, a few of the co-workers placed bets on whether Creed would notice if they switched his apple out for a potato. And just like Stanley not noticing Kevin in drag, Creed didn't have a clue.

So those are my observations: not too keen, certainly not too humorous. But I bet if B.J. Novak or Mindy Kaling came along, they could turn it into something. I guess I'll just have to wait until the symposium and ask Greg Daniels if they're available for freelance work.

Episode 511

The cast of Modern Family was interviewed by Larry King on Friday night. I'm not sure Larry quite picked up everything they were putting down -- blame it on either a generation gap or just a sense of humor gap -- but it was fun to see them all together, with just as much chemistry off-screen as they have on-screen (just a tad more tame).

Missing from the interview were Ella and Jaden Hiller, probably because they can't talk quite yet. The twins who play Baby Lily have everything the Olsen twins had (i.e. they are adorable), including a female John Stamos in the form of Sofia Vergara. The difference is: on Modern Family, Lily plays the straight man. Every other character is quirky, constantly joking, or just out of their mind, but Lily is consistently straight-faced and completely stoic. No matter how much absolute hysteria or chaos is surrounding her, she maintains a blank stare, only accentuating the absurdity of the adult world she lives in. No exaggeration: I cannot think of one scene she's in where this is not the case. And it is downright hilarious.

Speaking of hilarious -- and so this post isn't just a perhaps obvious comment about babies being cute -- CBS has really screwed the pooch on this one: a reality TV show is in the works that will allow commonfolk with celebrity names to swap lives with their namesake. While I'm sure the Justin Biebers of the world will be happy to swap places with that gem, I wonder if they will send some Lindsay Lohan from the deep south to rehab and prison...and rehab again. If only my name were Diane Kruger (so close!), maybe they'd let me date Joshua Jackson for a day?

Episode 510

The academic part of my brain has officially run out of dissertation-topic-picking steam. So, I have decided to enlist the more engaging and stimulating part of my brain: the TV lobe. While the connections between sixteenth-century Italian literature and contemporary American television may be few, I figured it was worth giving it a shot. Here are a few ideas I've come up with:

1) The role of Machiavellian thought in reality television.
2) The dialogue genre as a precursor to the talk show.
3) The relationship between the Commedia dell'arte and semi-improvised television.
4) Pietro Aretino's erotic works and their relationship to "That's what she said."

At first I was worried that my adviser would see right through these. But I think if I use enough big words in my title, I might be able to pull it off. So, here are the proposed corresponding titles:

1) The hegemonic discourse of Machiavellian anti-Utopian thought in the hermeneutics of strategy in contemporary American reality television.
2) The polyphonic Renaissance dialogue genre and its representation of Neoplatonic thought as a precursor to the discussion-based media culture of the American talk show.
3) The emergence of the Commedia dell'arte in response to the crisis of early modernity and its relationship to the current trends in improvisational and semi-improvisational television.
4) The presence of subversive erotica in the multi-generic works of Pietro Aretino and their implication in the commonly-employed television innuendo of "That's what she said."

And hey, I didn't even need to use the word "intertextuality." You may think I'm exaggerating -- it sounds kind of like Joey using the thesaurus to write Monica and Chandler's recommendation to the adoption agency -- but check out ProQuest with a search for any humanities-related term, and you will encounter titles equally, if not more, absurd.

Please send any other suggestions my way. If you can't tell, I'm kind of desperate.

Episode 509

Reality TV has turned into amateur hour. Don't get me wrong - I don't expect the "stars" of reality shows to have the talent of professional actors. The problem is I don't expect them to be actors at all, but that's exactly what they've become. Since the debut of The Real Housewives of Orange Country (and only made exponentially worse by Jersey Shore), reality programming has veered away from reality and morphed into something we already know: scripted television. Except with these shows, the actors aren't trained. If I wanted to watch terrible actors follow a terrible script, I would just watch Two and a Half Men.

If we want to think about how reality television has progressed (or regressed, perhaps) over the years, we can look at the prototype: The Real World. A keen reader recently wrote the following letter to Entertainment Weekly: "In '5 Shows That Changed TV,' Ken Tucker said he was 'shocked' he gave The Real World an A when it debuted in 1992. But it was a much different — and much better — show back then. The roommates shared a cramped apartment, not a decked-out mansion. They all had to find their own jobs. And while the cast was diverse, it wasn't intentionally spiked with explosive personalities. It really was seven strangers living together in the 'real world.'" Well, Steve Thompson, from Hayward, CA, you're absolutely right.

The fact that these programs are now "intentionally spiked with explosive personalities" takes the reality out of reality TV. Project Runway has increased its episode length to 90 minutes and it seems like every one of the 30 extra minutes is being used to expose dramatic personal issues (one of the contestants even admitted -- for the first time -- to being HIV positive) and catty interactions among contestants. Top Chef has gone from the most cooking-related cooking reality show on television to what seems to be a "Who has more of a chemical imbalance?" contest on the now-playing Top Chef: Just Desserts. And the current season of Survivor has been awful: we haven't seen any strategizing, any interesting challenges - just a crazy young woman threatening to throw her competitor's prosthetic leg into a fire.

The list of too-dramatic reality shows goes on and on, but I want to remind America (in the form of the handful of people reading this) that it hasn't always been that way. And I have faith that we can return to the purity of just plain good reality TV. Just like we have recently been able to reinvent the scripted family program with shows like Modern Family and Parenthood, we can also hope that producers are able to reinvent reality TV, bringing it back to its roots and back to reality.

Episode 508

I was debating which of two topics to write about today, both equally heavy and meaningful: a) religion and b) Heidi Klum's overwhelming bitchiness.

I will begin with the more pressing of the issues: Heidi. Usually all we hear from her on Project Runway (other than a few incomprehensible and fluffy comments on the outfits) is "Hell-o-o!" and "See you on the runway!" and "I'm sorry, that means you're out." But this week, the contestants were charged with making garments for her active wear line, so she made an appearance in the workroom as well, and boy did we see her true colors. Among other things, she told one contestant his outfit was suited for a dog (and then accused him of being rude when he didn't respond positively) and cattily made fun of an outed contestant behind her back. This just corroborates my assertion that overly negative feedback a bad reality show does make. It's why I can't watch Chopped and why I suggest that Project Runway sticks to Tim Gunn for workroom commentary.

Now, for less relevant matters. Over the past several years, many different taboo subjects have made their way into television. Most recently, such topics as teen pregnancy, sexual assault, and abortion have been treated by everything from reality TV to teen soaps to Mad Men. But last week, a number of shows took up a topic not common (at least in my memory) to comedic television: religion. Usually when we see religion on sitcoms, it's akin to the anti-dentite bit on Seinfeld. This week - I believe coincidentally - Glee, Modern Family, and Community all aired episodes devoted in large part to spirituality and differing religious viewpoints. All three shows did it beautifully and comically, but Glee took the cake: we had yet another touching Sue Sylvester with a heart of gold scene and we saw religious experience expressed in everything from hospital bed-side prayer to The Beatles.

Which reminds me, Glee just surpassed The Beatles for most hits on the Billboard 100 by a non-solo act. My apologies to non-Glee fans for having just used the words Glee and The Beatles in the same sentence when referring to musical accomplishment, but that is just absurd.

Episode 507

It's official: Michael Emerson and Terry O'Quinn will be reuniting with J.J. Abrams in what will essentially be a buddy-cop show. Like most, I think this is the best idea ever. Like many, I am terrified that it will flop. If Will Arnett can't save Running Wilde (and after a viewing of Episode 2, it's pretty certain he can't), then Linus and Locke can't save whatever not-as-good-as-LOST-script is thrown their way.

Until the show premieres, I don't want to speculate too much, but I would like to revisit another LOST-inspired concoction that I mentioned in a previous post: The Event. This turns out to be one of those shows where I'd rather read a plot summary than actually watch. I had that same experience when trying to get through the original Beverly Hills, 90210, if that's any indication of its quality. Basically, The Event is trying so hard to be LOST that it either rips it off completely or somehow achieves the exact opposite effect. Some examples:

1) Mystery. LOST's mystery was developed as the series progressed, constantly creating questions that, in the end, didn't even need to be answered to satisfy the viewers. The Event is a mystery from the first episode. Yes, we had Charlie on LOST asking "Where are we?" quite early in the series, but other than a ghost horse and a polar bear on a tropical island, there wasn't one question that needed to be answered. The only reason anyone is watching The Event is to find out what "the event" is.

2) Others. After only two episodes, there is already a group of Others (semi-humans who barely age). There are already questions surrounding these Others' iinherent goodness/badness. There is already an Other or two infiltrating the non-Others. Now all we need is a plane crash and some electromagnetism...oh wait.

3) Plane crash and electromagnetism. Really, The Event? Really? In the first episode (and explained in the second), a plane disappears into an electromagnetic field. Sound strangely familiar yet all wrong? When the electromagnetic phenomenon was explained to the president (Blair Underwood), I was half expecting him to say "Wait, that's like straight out of LOST!" We all know that if a plane disappeared into an electromagnetic field in real life and it was reported to President Obama, he'd definitely think J.J. Abrams was punking him.

If you're still not convinced it's an unsuccessful remake/rip-off, try Google-ing " 'The Event' electromagnetism." The first hits are about LOST. And The Event is nowhere to be found.

Episode 506

It was a big week for reality TV. First, we heard the news that Brad Womack -- the Bachelor who started the string of Deanna-Jason-Jillian-Jake-Ali on the Bacherlor(ette) by rejecting both of his final two ladies -- is coming back for a second chance at love. So anyone out there who thought that The Bachelor had at least some class compared to say, Rock of Love with Bret Michaels or A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila or Paris Hilton's My New BFF, has been proven very, very wrong. The producers have decided that, although only one (and a half, if you count Jason and Molly) marriage has come out of twenty seasons of the franchise, maybe, just maybe, Brad will get lucky his second time around. I mean, I'm all for all-star seasons of reality competition shows (Survivor, Top Chef, etc.) but this seems like a little much. Maybe they should bring back some rejected Bachelorettes for him to choose from.

Other big news in reality TV this week is the discovery that Jeff Probst is actually a 16-year-old girl. He hides it quite well on air with his eloquent and even witty commentary, but when he takes up the pen, his true colors come out. His blog for Entertainment Weekly is perhaps the most hysterical TV "criticism" I have ever read, and it's definitely worth taking a minute to read. Highlights are his tendency toward redundant consonant use to create emphasis (see: "holllla" and "Hellllllo") and his use of the word "girl", as in "Girl, it's too late." I'm just going to assume that Probst didn't have to send a writing sample in as part of his application.

Episode 505

This summer, I was involved in a disagreement over Matt Damon's talents as an actor. I argued that the subtle variations between his characters in say, the Bourne movies, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Dogma, and Good Will Hunting were enough to show his depth, even though he always plays some form of a creepy loner with issues. The other side of the argument voted for Leonardo DiCaprio, arguing that Matt Damon was too one-sided to deserve any merit. Well, let's try to put Leonardo in an episode of 30 Rock and see how he holds up, because Matt blew prime time away last week. After a fairly dull fourth season of 30 Rock last year, Matt Damon contributed to what I think was a pretty good start to the new season. In order to measure up to Alec Baldwin, your comedic timing and delivery have to be near perfect, and Matt nailed it. So how do you like them apples?

Speaking of starting off with a bang, The Office calmed down everyone who was freaking out about Steve Carell's imminent departure by kicking off the season with the two things the show does best: music and Toby. The absolutely brilliant musical cold open could have aired on its own with 19 minutes of dead air following it, and I think we still would have felt satisfied. And the incredible closing clip featured more Toby, leading me to ask: how is it still funny that Michael hates Toby? It really never gets old. So, combine music and Toby, and we have three of the absolute best moments in The Office history: Toby alone at the office while the rest of the cast is singing in unison on the beach games bus; Michael's rendition of "Goodbye, Toby"; Dwight and Andy's "Country Road"; and now, this cold open.

And to finish out the Thursday night NBC premieres line-up, Community also did pretty well for itself. I was a little skeptical about pulling Betty White out for the first episode (seemed a little desperate for a show that isn't that at all), but it worked. Although I must admit I don't really remember anything other the final scene (yet more proof that musical numbers in sitcoms, when done right, are amazing).

Episode 504

There seem to be more series premieres than usual this season (or at least they're advertising more heavily -- what's with the 10-page magazine spreads everywhere?) which means I'll have to watch in moderation. I most certainly will not be watching the pilot of Outsourced tomorrow for moral reasons (having nothing to do with outsourcing and everything to do with the fact that it bumped one of the funniest sitcoms on television out of the fall line-up). So I limited myself to three new shows: two sitcoms and a drama.

I started out with Raising Hope - made it to the first commercial break. None of the jokes landed and I was oddly creeped out by how much the girl from Parenthood (the movie) looks exactly the same 20 years later. Next on the docket was Running Wilde - can't go wrong with Will Arnett and David Cross, right? Right. Within the first few minutes, the writers gave us Arrested Development fans a shout-out, having Arnett's character worry that "he'd made a huge mistake." Though the pilot didn't hit as hard as Modern Family on its premiere, it has definite potential.

My new drama of choice was The Event. I don't know if it was the incessant NBC ads for it, the commercials they played for it before every movie I've seen in theaters in the past six months, or just the fact that it got a good review in EW, but I went for it. I was actually impressed by the character-focus of the first episode (and if you were wondering "why do I recognize that dude?", it's from Parenthood. Or maybe Swimfan). In any case, my recommendation would be to watch the first 59.5 minutes of the pilot and then turn the TV off and treat it as an open-ended TV movie. Unless they really, really make up for the absurd Gob's magic trick (illusion) meets Heroes-effect ridiculousness that happened in the last 30 seconds, I'm going to have a tough time buying into this one. Unfortunately, LOST has done everything, and done everything better, so these mystery/drama/action shows are going to have to prove themselves big time.

Episode 503

A lot of good TV happened this week, but for now, while my posts are on a more personal roll, I'd like to share with you the dangers of not watching television that I experienced first-hand last night. (Speaking of the storytelling nature of my last entry, someone compared it to "the Halloween episodes of Dawson's Creek" - doesn't really move the story along, kind of a filler episode, slightly different tone than usual...but hey, they can't all be classics).

So, the story. Last night, instead of staying awake to watch Project Runway, I fell asleep about six minutes into it (let's just ignore for the time being the fact that this means I fell asleep at 9:06pm). At approximately 10:25pm, I awoke to something moderately heavy and plastic falling onto my head. My bed-mate, leaning over me to make remote to DVR contact as he furiously fast-forwarded to the exciting "one of you will be the winner, and one of you...will be out," got a little over-zealous and, yes, dropped the remote control on my head.

Moral of the story: no matter how much a week of fall premieres tuckers you out, never choose sleep -- or anything for that matter -- over TV. There are dangerous consequences (small bruise, traumatic memories).

Episode 502

As Week 1 of Fall TV is about to begin, I have returned from Los Angeles -- where I went to increase my reliability as a TV news source, of course -- with my second ever celebrity sighting. The first was renowned TV star Adrian Grenier, brunching at Little Dom's. Unfortunately, Adrian Grenier stars on a show that I have yet to watch -- though I do a mean impression of Michael Scott doing a mean impression of it. Luckily for me, my devotion to teen romantic comedies made that walk-by just as meaningful.

This newest celebrity sighting was of someone I have watched on many a TV show, including one currently on the air. To be honest, when I first made eye contact, I wasn't certain it was him. He had a hat on and (not fully tinted) sunglasses and I had to stare for a moment to be sure. But suddenly I got a shiver up my spine and the inexplicable need to vomit came over me, and I knew -- it was Howie Mandel.

That's the whole story, but in order to ensure that my anti-climactic sighting was not in vain, I will allow it to remind me to link to the only interesting/compelling/talented talent on America's Got Talent this season: Fighting Gravity. Enjoy! And in honor of my first TV viewing of the fall season, I will sign off: XOXO, conngirl.

Episode 501

The fall line-up is about to begin, and that means my "summer programming is too mindless for discussion" excuse for not writing is no longer valid. I would like to defend this three month break, however, by reminding my loyal readers that they would much rather read nothing than read about the shows I was watching this summer: The Bachelorette, Big Brother, Pretty Little Liars, Say Yes to the Dress, should I continue? Basically, what I'm saying is: you should be thanking me.

With all of the TV awfulness converging over the summer, I seem to find myself much more easily amused with what is out there. Reruns of Friends become so laugh-out-loud funny that you save them on your DVR so you can share the joke -- which turns out isn't funny to anyone else -- with anyone who comes over. You even begin to YouTube the commercials you like so you can re-watch them on loop. And speaking of things that only the mighty few can appreciate, thanks to my non-Dawson's Creek watching friend for clue-ing me into this gem early on this summer.

The summer did end with one major success, though: the Emmys. Unfortunately, Parks and Recreation was shafted for nominations and Friday Night Lights was perhaps even more shafted for wins (as amazing as Bryan Cranston is, Kyle Chandler is absolutely the most talented actor on TV). And when on earth is Steve Carell going to nab the Best Actor Emmy? This is getting kind of absurd. If Michael Emerson replaces him -- in what would be the best casting decision since casting Steve Carell as Michael Scott -- I bet he takes the Emmy his first year (making up for another Emmy shaft from this year - LOST). Still, the ceremony itself was stellar, and it is definitely worth checking out some of the highlights: namely George Clooney guest starring on Modern Family and Ricky Gervais just being funny.

I'd like to conclude with a confession: I think Lauren Graham is funny. It really pains me to say it. Let me be clear, though: I still think Gilmore Girls gives sitcoms and all TV a bad name, but I'm ready to admit that it's the writing and not the acting (at least not hers). Thanks to the threatening encouragement of my Hollywood posse, I finally gave in to more than 5 minutes of Parenthood, and in addition to being wowed by some of the new faces (new to me, at least), Lauren Graham won me over. So there we have it -- if you can't read my blog anymore because of this, I completely understand. In fact, I respect you all the more for it.

Interlude

For your entertainment while I'm on hiatus (read: I saw this and couldn't resist posting it):

This week in unnecessary censorship: LOST edition

Episode 428

Sometimes I find myself turning into my least favorite television characters. Exhibit A: Joey Potter. While I sadly have no chance with Joshua Jackson, I have recently aligned myself with Joey by deciding that other people's talents would become my hobbies (or as Joey Potter would vehemently call them, life passions). For Joey, these sudden interests came from being a self-involved drama queen; for me, it comes from watching TV.

I know I'm not the only person who went out and bought goggles after seeing Michael Phelps at the Olympics. My stint as a swimmer lasted six days, with a total of about 40 minutes in a pool. Turns out it's a lot harder than it looks.

Most recently, I've decided to be a dancer. So You Think You Can Dance is possibly one of the most inspiring shows on television: between the sob stories, the encouraging judges, and the moving performances, it is impossible not to want to do what these people can do. I don't care if I'm a ballerina, a b-girl, a krumper -- and SYTYCD makes it look like I don't even have to choose.

In any case, I've become so invested with this show, that I'm kind of hoping my exam committee is split on whether to pass me at my Orals next week and that in order to decide, they have me "dance for my life." Of course that would secure me a fail, but it would be worth it. I could do this, right?

I'm going to go practice, and when I come back, get ready for Season 5 of these posts. Summer!

Episode 427

Well, wow. LOST is over. I think I speak for everyone -- regardless of how you felt about the finale -- when I say that it was extremely emotional coming to the end. I know many people were disappointed that we didn't get many answers, but the feeling I had in the last few minutes of the series made me think that that didn't really matter. Whatever it was that happened in that last scene -- I don't want to say anything for the sake of my most loyal reader who is currently only on season 3, and I'm not even sure I could describe it if I tried -- I want that. But I also want LOST. And that's what DVDs are for.

Despite the incredible impact that LOST has had on American culture, especially recently, there's something about dramas that don't allow them to seep into daily life as much as comedies. When someone says "yadda yadda yadda" or "that's what she said" or bangs the insides of their fists together in anger, we kind of just know what it means. Somewhere in the back of our heads, we might be thinking Seinfeld, The Office, or Friends, but it's not our first reaction. Contrarily, if I were to respond to two friends arguing with "live together or die alone" they would -- after rolling their eyes -- hear it as a quote from LOST.

Speaking of finales, I'll blame my blog absence on the abundance of them these past few weeks. Some just for the season (and mostly successes, I must say) and some forever (goodbye 24 and Law & Order...and I know you'll all miss the critically acclaimed 10 Things I Hate About You). We've seen hopeful cliffhangers (Holly coming back to Scranton?) and touching heart-warmers (Modern Family's family portrait). And to put a silver lining on an otherwise terrible season, we saw a humble, deserving, and stand-up guy take the American Idol crown as we bid Simon a fond farewell.

So as the last few series (e.g. The Mike O'Malley Show...oh, I mean, Glee) come to their season finales, we now finally have an excuse to watch truly crappily awesome and usually reality TV: summer programming.

Recap

You know when your favorite show advertises an "all new episode" and then it's a recap? Because of how much I hate that, I'll give it to you straight -- this post is not an original. I just want to link you to two of the most insightful things I've read about my favorite Tuesday night shows this week:

1) Perfect interpretation of LOST's "Across the Sea."

2) Pure Glee ecstasy: I'm glad someone else agrees.

Episode 426

Someone writing for How I Met Your Mother has been reading my blog. Either that, or they've been a graduate student in the humanities. In the most recent episode, Ted embodied exactly what I wrote about in my very first blog entry -- basically, people who name-drop Foucault, or, as we saw last night, recite Dante's Divine Comedy in the original Italian at parties, have a great tendency to be douches.

In this episode, Ted finds himself at a snobby gala attended by such random hysterical figures as Will Shortz, editor of the New York Times crossword (and in another moment of HIMYM brilliance, we find out that Ted was right: Ulee is a common crossword answer "because of all the vowels"). In any case, at some point in the evening, Ted begins pontificating on the concept of Hell and decides to recite the opening lines of Dante's Divine Comedy..."if you'll allow me, in the original Italian..."

He has not yet gotten through the first three verses when it strikes him: "You know, I actually sound kind of douchey." Three lines. It takes most people three decades to realize the douchey-ness of discussing 14th-century Italian literature at social gatherings -- and by then, they're so pretentious that they don't mind.

Ted's thought that follows -- while he continues to delve into the opening of the Inferno -- sums up my entire hypothesis about intellectuals:

"I'm the biggest douche on the planet!"*

And all it took was TV to prove it.


*I could have linked to so many other things right there, be thankful that I just chose to show you the clip at hand (which is highly worth watching, by the way).

Episode 425

My first two ideas for blog topics today were self-vetoed for the following reasons:

1) If I have to relive Jin and Sun's beautiful departure, I might die of a broken heart.
2) If I were to link you to this clip, several of you might un-friend me.

So instead, I'll start by telling you about a friend I have. He is one of the best people I know, but (or maybe therefore) we have very little in common. We disagree about so many things, from coffee to political leanings to how to tell someone it's "ten of" the hour (or "ten till" according to him). But there's one thing we agree on: Modern Family.

I know I've written a good amount about this groundbreaking-but-not show, but as the first season comes to an end, it is becoming more and more clear that this show appeals to nearly everyone.

I have two theories as to why, one more complex than the other:

Theory #1: This show has managed to take the genre of voyeuristic comedy to a completely relate-able level. While not everyone works in an office, not everyone is involved in their local parks department, and not everyone attends community college (sorry, I'm excited about NBC's line-up tonight), everyone has a family of one kind or another. And while Arrested Development ushered us into the era of not-your-normal-family-family-sitcoms, let's just face it: we sadly cannot actually relate to Gob or Buster. I think that's the point, but for that reason, some people (terrible people, I might add) may find the show alienating. Modern Family, instead, makes us feel like part of the family.

Theory #2: Sofia Vergara. Male or female, ten till or ten of, we all want to gawk at 22 minutes of that.

Episode 424

Well, Glee had to flop eventually. I'm surprised it happened so close to the second-half-season opener though -- with all of the hype and expectation, I thought the first few episodes back would be killer. Last night, though, Glee forgot its name: the focus came off the show choir and their always fun, if cheesy, performances and instead went to some highly awkward and unfortunate solos and duets.

While the Kurt-Finn-parents drama panned out into a nice display of emotion by the end, so many of last night's twists and turns came out of nowhere. Within the course of an episode, Mercedes went from proud and curvy to insecure about her weight and then back to empowered and empowering. Finn's father-issues went from 0 to 60 (but quickly stalled) and Kristin Chenoweth returned with some major drama in her life that was completely irrelevant and un-relatable. And who was Schu even singing about -- his ex-wife or Miss Pillsbury? The fact that it was unclear was a symptom of what the rest of the episode was lacking.

You know something's off when Mike O'Malley pulls of the best performance of the cast. The only main cast member who had success was Chris Colfer as Kurt, who managed to draw some emotion from the out-of-the-blue plot points. Let's just hope Neil Patrick Harris can bring some spice back into things (unfortunately not until May).

Episode 423

People care a lot about TV.

Case in point: The other day, I got into a conversation / disagreement over what word Ted calls Lily on How I Met Your Mother that upsets her so much. (The audience never actually hears the word because Bob Saget narrates it as "grinch".) In any case, we couldn't come to a consensus, so I decided to Google it and see what everyone else thought. And I found the most amazing thing: there were hundreds of discussion threads about it and everyone had different pieces of evidence to back up their various hypotheses.

In addition to people caring a lot about this obviously important issue, I also found that the viewers of How I Met Your Mother seem to be tamer, not to mention more intelligent and sane than the general public. Take a look at this amazing thread on the topic. Never before have American strangers had such a civil conversation about what is considered one of the more offensive words in the English language. Usually, it's the opposite: take a look at any YouTube video and without fail, the posts will devolve into some strange and unnecessary argument on a completely irrelevant and offensive topic.

I admit that a few hundred discussions about an episode of TV isn't that outrageous, so how about this? Over 12,000 people have voted on the People magazine online poll "Gossip Girl: Are Chuck and Blair Meant to be Together". Twelve thousand people (and counting) care about this. And more proof that the TV watching public is clearly of superior intelligence: 11,450 voted yes.

Episode 422

Last night, the final Jeopardy question, under the category, "New Sports," was as follows:

"In 2008, Middlebury College in Vermont won its 2nd straight championship in this sport introduced in a 1997 novel."

Perhaps not as exciting as the Middlebury shout-outs on 30 Rock, but we'll take it. However, I do want to lodge one complaint: Middlebury has so much more going for it than its damn Quidditch team. If I remember correctly, though I'm not sure I want to, one of our own actually won the College Tournament of Champions on Jeopardy not so long ago.

In any case, two people got the answer right, and one person missed it. But I would like to argue here that the person who missed it, choosing "snowboarding" as her answer, is perhaps the smarter Jeopardy player. Here's why: The only way you would know that Quidditch was the answer is if 1) You followed New England liberal arts schools' club sports or 2) You had read Harry Potter (which the Jeopardy demographic is not guaranteed to have done, unfortunately).

At first, I scoffed at "snowboarding" as an answer, but then I realized it was pretty intuitive. This woman thought, okay, what sports are played in Vermont? Something with snow. Well it's not skiing, obviously, so what could be new enough that it was created in 1997? Snowboarding! Although 1997 seems too recent to have been the birth date of this now Olympic level sport, that was, remember, thirteen years ago (scary). For all I know, snowboarding didn't exist when I was 12 years old. And for all someone this Jeopardy woman's age knows, it didn't exist until last year.

So in the end, it turns out that the people who knew the answer just had some dumb luck, while snowboarding woman was using her smarts. (And she actually wasn't that far off.)

The point of this story is for me to reiterate how obnoxious Jeopardy can be. It's like Trivial Pursuit -- half of the questions have the answer right there in them, and it has nothing to do with actual knowledge. I without fail guess more answers correctly on that show than I actually know. Last night's stupid-question winner? The category was "Bad break-up lines" and the question: (this is from memory -- I didn't take the time to pause the DVR on this one because of how livid I was) "It's not me...it's this homophone for a female sheep."

You know what, Alex? It's not me. It's YOU.

Episode 421

A former producer for Survivor is currently involved in bit of a mess. I read the article describing the situation (which sadly made the top CNN headline) and I couldn't help but notice the following paragraph:

"Beresford-Redman built his career as a widely acclaimed Hollywood reality television show producer. He helped develop the popular 20-season CBS show 'Survivor,' in which contestants compete against each other in a variety of extreme outdoor scenarios."

Really?

1) EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT SURVIVOR IS, CNN STAFF WRITER! Or did the modifier "20-season" not tip you off to that?

2) "...contestants compete against each other in a variety of extreme outdoor scenarios"...? Didn't anyone tell you if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?

It continues to amaze me that in a country where we watch so much television that it leads to obesity, people are still describing TV shows as if they're a Japanese variety sport.

Episode 420

After a too-long pause in posting (I'm just trying to emulate all my favorite shows, which take obnoxiously long breaks between episodes), I am going to take this opportunity to just catch-up with my top 10 most pressing opinions on recent TV that I've missed in the past few weeks, starting with the most important (so if you get bored, it's only getting less relevant as you read):

1) Is anyone else wondering why The Office did not take advantage of the most Michael Scott-ish of holidays in the entire galaxy to show a new episode? Seriously, Michael on April Fool's Day would perhaps be the most perfect context ever. The word inappropriate was created to describe Michael on this day. Opportunity majorly missed, The Office. But since you've been so good to me recently, I'll let it slide.

2) LOST is incredible. Thank you so much for finally giving us some answers. And for all of us who knew that Desmond was going to be the key to the whole thing, we're about to be totally validated.

3) Poor American Idol. The fact that I have Biggest Loser on a higher series priority than AI is a sign for the awfulness of this season. Not even Ryan Seacrest cares enough to keep the results a secret.

4) Is it seriously possible that Glee has only been on the air for half a season? Can it keep it up? I am very excited to find out. I think guest stars will be key.

5) So excited for the return of Top Chef Masters. If ever there were a show to get me to spend hundreds of dollars eating out at fancy restaurants, it's that. It was very uncool that two of last season's top three were Bay Area chefs -- I really can't afford this kind of TV watching.

6) I think Russell lucked out that his season of Survivor hadn't aired when they started taping the current season. If it had, he would have been the first voted off, and now it seems like he may once again make it to the end. And because we're talking about Survivor all-stars here, I think he might just get the vote at the end; these people respect the game too much to give it to some random coattail rider.

7) Camila Alves is seriously annoying.

8) Why is Rumer Willis allowed to act? She could probably even make "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker" sound not bad-ass. If you haven't yet been exposed to her awful acting and want to continue that streak, avoid 90210. I know it'll be tough.

9) Less than a month until Friday Night Lights returns for us non DirecTVers. You un'erstand me?

10) Modern Family has still not lost its touch. Neither has Community. If they keep it up, we might have the Friends or Cheers of the 2010s on our hands. Or as some homeless guy in Central Park put it, the new Frasier.

Episode 419

I love it when TV talks about other TV. Television in conversation with itself is just a sign of how ubiquitious it is in our society, and that kind of validates my lifestyle. In any case, my taste for inter-TV-referentiality (that's the technical term) is satisfied in a major way by Community. Abed's constant references to other television shows are brilliant, but often they're so quick, you don't even catch them, and they're certainly lost on non-TV fanatics. In last night's episode, though, there was an anything-but-subtle TV reference when Jeff -- mourning his recent break-up -- cries onto Pierce's shoulder and somehow turns it into a hysterical rejection of TV's new favorite gem.

In another similar moment, we also learned last night that Andy Bernard thinks of his own life as analogous to How I Met Your Mother. But unlike the rest of us, whose lives are nowhere as interesting or hilarious as television but we still delude ourselves into thinking they are, Andy's life is actually exciting enough to be compared to something involving Neil Patrick Harris.

In any case, the motivation behind this TV-on-TV post was something that I saw on Wheel of Fortune last night. The puzzle answer was: "Television medical drama House." The gentleman whose turn it was spun and spun right up until the end, finally bought the U, and then when he had all but the L, V, N, and C, he solved: "Television medical drama-house!" he proclaimed. He got it right and actually won a trip to Europe in the meantime, but there was a light chuckle in the audience and Pat Sajak, while congratulating him, corrected his syntax, as it were: "Television medical drama, House," he said. Silence. "It's a TV show called House." "Oh." And that was the end of it. This guy had never even heard of the show.

I'd like to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, but I just Googled "House" and -- out of over 1 billion results -- the first 2 (and 4 of the first 6) hits are about the TV show. One of those 6 hits went to the House of Representatives, so I think we can fairly say that television is four times more important than politics in American culture. Sounds about right.

Episode 418

Just another moment of early modern Italian literature finding its way into the TV world (check out the quote before the article). It's a good thing I read this before I took my orals: instead of just discussing Machiavelli's divorcing of politics from ethics and his promotion of the verità effettiva over the idealized utopian model, I'll now be able to add that he was the first person ever to outwit, outplay, and outlast.

Episode 417

There are certain shows that I'm willing to give a second chance. Friday Night Lights was one of them. I tried to get through the first twenty minutes of the first episode and just couldn't do it. But something about it (perhaps the berating from my FNL-fanatic friend) encouraged me to try again, and am I glad I did. Certain shows have so much to offer and they just can't pack that all in to a pilot, so you have to have faith and see what happens.

This past week, I decided to give a second chance to The Marriage Ref. Having watched the premiere after the closing ceremonies of the Olympics, I wasn't sure how I felt: the panel of celebrities (Alec Baldwin in particular) were, not surprisingly, hilarious. Even the clips of the crazy couples who subject themselves to national scrutiny were laugh- (or at least gasp-) out-loud funny. But something about it -- and it is easy to see that that something is the host, Tom Papa -- was so incredibly grating that I wrote it off. But, when its second episode aired, I decided to give it a second shot. How can Tina Fey and Jerry Seinfeld be not funny? Well, I can't answer that, because the second time around, I only made it about 45 seconds in. I couldn't listen to one more second of Tom Papa's scripted unhilarity and so I turned it off, and just to rub salt in the wound, I deleted the recording. No turning back.

This grating terribleness might remind you of another show that I can't tolerate for more than a few accidentally-flipping-past-ABC-Family moments: Gilmore Girls. And now my least favorite show is back in the form of the new dramedy, Parenthood. Given that Parenthood is based on one of the greatest movies of all time, and that it has the same producer/writers as FNL, I was inclined to watch; but after just minutes, I was so irritated by the Gilmore Girls mom (who plays the exact same character with the exact same tiresome banter) that I had to turn it off. I haven't deleted the recording yet, but I just can't bring myself to give it a second chance. The second episode airs tomorrow, so anyone with an opinion has 24 hours to convince me to try again. Something tells me, though, that no one cares. And that, I think, is opinion enough.

Episode 416

I had a non-TV watching friend tell me today that reading my blog was like "walking into a party and realizing you don't know anyone else who was invited" -- I think that he hit the nail on the head. Have you ever tried to listen to people talk about a television show you've never seen? It's awkward, confusing, and not that much fun (sorry for anyone who ever has to spend time with me, by the way).

So instead of writing about how perfectly perfect Modern Family was last night, or finally commenting on Jake and Vienna (thumbs up on my end, by the way, especially after seeing them together on Ellen), I would just like to give a nod to a few YouTube gems that I spent some time with today. For those of you who feel like you don't know anyone at the party, these may not be for you, but at least they'll prove that me blogging about television is about a zero on a scale of zero to obsessed-with-TV.

These people, whatever awesome place they come from, have decided to do the most bizarre thing ever and re-create the intro to LOST using various non-LOST-like sitcom theme songs and intros. As far as titles, some of the most absurd are Loston Legal, Battlestar: Lostica, The Lost Bunch, LSI, and the not-as-punny Lost Anatomy. But although these people cutely changed the names, it's the actual product that counts, so I thought I would share some of my favorites.

Let me tell you that this was hard to narrow down, but I've managed to choose my three favorites. First, we have a show that, as I've mentioned before, is quite akin to LOST: Survivor. Next, an example that almost makes us wish LOST were a sitcom: Friends. And finally, the most bizarrely brilliant mash-up (and I'll make you click to find out what this one is), which made me cry, either from pure hilarity or possibly just the sheer awkwardness of it all.

Episode 415

I am back from my lengthy hiatus and the whole world is now wondering what to do from 8:00pm to midnight every day. We've all spent the past two and a half weeks glued to the spectacle that is the Winter Olympics, and Sunday night, we were hoping that our time would be rewarded with magnificent closing ceremonies. Well, I think China got our hopes up a bit too high. If you didn't catch any of the Vancouver closing ceremonies, let me summarize: they featured William Shatner as the Priceline Negotiator, made Catherine O'Hara seem not funny, and somehow managed to get Michael J. Fox to not stir up any emotions in anyone. Thanks to Robin Scherbatsky, I know that Canadians have a "different" sense of humor, but the inflatable beavers that served as the grand finale may have actually been more ridiculous than the performance of "On the Wings of Love" that Jake and Vienna (!) danced to during After the Final Rose on The Bachelor. Maybe.

Closing ceremonies aside, the Olympics were incredible for so many reasons. Not only did my childhood friend's brother-in-law (yes, I'm claiming him as an acquaintance) rock the men's aerials, he more importantly made an appearance on The Colbert Report. If anything means more to an Olympic athlete than being interviewed by Bob Costas, it's being interviewed by Stephen Colbert. And even for those of you who aren't cool enough to know an Olympic athlete, the Winter Games once again blew everyone's mind. Think about those dreams you have where you're falling from a really high distance. And then think about ski jumping. These two things are really no different. Although, not to brag, but I don't wear a helmet in my dreams.

In any case, now that the Games are over, we can all shed a few tears and move on. Although Ali has been announced as the new Bachelorette and the top 24 (now 20) American Idol contestants sound like the chorus from a high school musical production of Oklahoma, we do have a lot to look forward to. LOST slowly but amazingly creeps toward it's finish, we anticipate the return of Glee in April, and this Thursday, Jim and Pam will have a baby. Or maybe more importantly, and certainly more hilariously, Michael Scott will react to Jim and Pam having a baby.

Episode 414

Survivor is back, and with a bang. Dedicated viewers are truly rewarded for their loyalty in seasons like the current one: Heroes vs. Villains. There is no getting-to-know-you period between fans and participants, and starting from the season premiere, there is drama, excitement, and intrigue. One of the most recognized players to return is Colby (yes, that picture would be from survivorhunks.com) from Season 2, which aired nearly a decade ago.

I was planning on composing an in-depth discussion of the season premiere, but since most of my readers don't think of Survivor as good TV (though I know 14.1 million Americans who would care to disagree), I'll instead share a little Curb Your Enthusiasm, for your enjoyment. I think I managed to compare Survivor to the civil rights movement a few posts back, but Larry David takes is so much further and includes Colby to boot. And just as an added bonus, if you watch all the way to the end of the clip, there is one of the greatest Curb lines of all times.

Episode 413

This week was a major comeback week for NBC comedies.

Parks and Recreation didn't have anything to come back from, as it's been consistently hysterical and exciting, but even there, we are starting to see plot lines that will keep us coming back for more than just the absolute hilarity. Even more than just the Ann-Andy-Amber love triangle we have Ron and Leslie's burgeoning real friendship. It turns out Ron is a good guy, and that makes all of his douchebagginess even more funny.

This kind of true friendship is something that is missing from The Office. Other than brief moments of caring (Jim and Pam buying 69 Cup O' Noodles for Kevin), there are no meaningful friendships on The Office. But the fact that this is missing is by no means a bad thing -- in fact, it's actually part of what makes The Office work. All of the very distinct personalities that clash in almost every way on that show are what give it its dynamic nature. And although the cast ensemble wasn't back in full force last night, we had more participation from the tailees (if I may) than in the past weeks, and it was successful. Also, Michael was back to his predictably absurd self, and I think we all felt a sense of satisfaction for the nostalgia fulfillment of sending Jim back to sales and Michael back to sole manager. With all the big changes happening at Dunder Mifflin, it's nice that they threw us a bone.

Back to the issue of friendships, though, NBC scored again last night with Community. While Community has always been funny, it has lacked that "I can't wait to see what happens" factor. Last night we got that, and I think Community fans now might actually care what happens between Jeff and Britta. (Also, I'd just like to shout out to Abed who managed to reference Who's the Boss?, Friends, and LOST [brilliantly on that last one: "he's a young the Asian guy from LOST"] all in the course of about 20 seconds. He's a TV blog in himself.)

Even 30 Rock was back to its good old (actually funny) self, and there, too, we saw Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey at their best, looking out for each other.

Now, of course, after NBC gives us our gateway drug, we have to wait three weeks for the next set of awesome. Not that I'm complaining; it's worth it for nearly 24-hour Olympic perfection. In fact, Michael's truly perfect cold open last night -- in close competition with the MPH detector running contest for best non-Jim-does-a-prank related cold opens -- was the perfect lead in to the three week hiatus.

One final note: as amazing as the NBC comedies were this week, Modern Family definitely takes the cake and was by far the funniest half hour of TV this week, if not this year. Anything I say about it would just take away from its brilliance, but I promise you it's worth taking the time to watch.

[For that incredibly large number of you who are fuming for lack of comment on the best Survivor premiere ever, it's on it's way, I promise. Check back early next week.]

Episode 412

Today, I'd like to take a look at four characters who this past week officially made their way from rock star to rock bottom (whether temporary or permanent). These four television men have fallen from grace into their own personal hells. Beginning with the most recent:

Jake: We couldn't have a season of The Bachelor without a twist (are they even twists anymore if we're expecting them?). Last night, not only did Jake "pull a Mesnick" after having his heart broken by one of the less desirable women on the show, but that same woman (at least based on previews) will pull a Swiderski (I'm going to go ahead and claim coinage on that last one). The point is that Jake -- arguably the nicest bachelor ever -- went from being on top of the world, to crying over a banister.

Barney: On this week's episode of How I Met Your Mother, Barney finally realizes an ultimate dream, thanks to his stint at the Super Bowl. He has every woman (TV-watching women, by the way) calling him until he is literally driven insane wondering if the girl on the phone will be hotter than the girl he has in bed. Other than maybe during his relationship with Robin, I don't think we've ever seen him so pathetic.

David Wallace: Who saw this coming? David Wallace was perhaps the most normal person at Dunder Mifflin (who can forget that incredible scene when Michael tells him "I think you're a nice guy, too"?). He had his head on his shoulders, treated everyone -- no matter how Dwightish -- with respect and seemed to have his life in order. This past week, though, we saw him fall (not literally) into a hot tub while pitching unintentionally sexually charged children's toys to his former employee.

Ben: I don't know which was worse -- the look on Ben's face when he saw Locke's body in the coffin or the similar look when fake-Locke told him what Locke was thinking in his final moments: "I don't understand." And that's exactly what Ben must have been thinking when realized what he'd just done. Think about Season 2 Ben and how far he's fallen since then. I hate to compare LOST to Gossip Girl (clearly I will anyway), but his transformation is very reminiscent of Chuck's transformation from near-rapist to lost puppy.

Episode 411

Some of the best TV moments are those when we suddenly are able to relate to a character who is usually completely (and amazingly) out of touch with reality. As I've mentioned a couple times in various posts, these moments usually happen with characters like Michael Scott and Leslie Knope. The most recent Michael or Leslie on TV comedy comes in the form of Phil Dunphy on Modern Family. And on this week's episode, we had one of those precious moments when Phil is more like us than we thought. We're getting older and, just like Phil, we have to understand that. If only our revelations came in the form of 40-second moments of pure hilarity.

Here's the moment.

P.S. I didn't want to just post a link to a clip without some kind of comment, so I wrote a lead-in paragraph to make it seem like I was actually adding anything to the clip itself. What I'm trying to say is this: TV speaks for itself. Which is awesome, but it doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to speak for it.

Episode 410

I've had some time to detox after the LOST premiere, so here it goes. First of all, I'd just like to point out that LOST is the only show on television that requires more time to watch on DVR or the Internet than on regular TV. Usually you think well, hey, this will only be 42 minutes of my life instead of 60 because I can skip the commercials, but the ability to pause the episode turned -- at least for me -- what should have been two hours into about three and a half. Every word that anyone says ("the first plane"?!) requires a pause (and a "did she say the first plane?!").

In any case, although there is a lot of other quality TV on to talk about (the season premiere of Shear Genius?) I will indulge and give my two cents on LOST. And I'll do it today because I am hoping beyond hope that tonight's episode of The Office gives me something to write about tomorrow.

Now that I've made it to paragraph three without actually saying anything of substance about the premiere, I'll give it a (very brief) go. I don't intend to discuss my theories because I'll just drive myself and everyone else mad and there's absolutely nothing I can suggest here that hasn't already been said in a thousand other places. What I'll do, instead, is suggest what I think were the most important moments of the episode -- the moments that I believe will be crucial in unraveling this crazy mystery that is the last 5 years of our lives. I think there were a lot of moments in the premiere that were just for the amusement of the viewers and nothing more (e.g. Boone tricking Locke into thinking he isn't a vampire), but the following five events are definitely going to come back later in the season. I don't know exactly what they mean, but I know they must mean something:

1) Jack now has a fear of flying that he didn't have before.
2) Desmond apparently disappears from the plane.
3) Charlie says he was supposed to die.
4) Jack gives Locke his business card.
5) (It's almost too obvious to say, but:) Christian Shephard's coffin is missing.

Now before I go crazy or begin the Lostpedia browsing that will turn me into a hermit for the rest of the day, I'll just wrap it up by saying this: I think they should avoid airing commercials for V, starring Juliet, or commercials with Kate as a make-up promoter during these LOST episodes. Kind of takes away from the intensity of the whole thing.

Episode 409

There are officially less than 24 hours until the final season premiere of LOST. Because I will be locking myself in my apartment and blocking Internet access to all sites except Lostpedia for at least several days following the return, I figured it would be best to post now.

And since LOST always makes me feel like an idiot (how did I not realize that Locke's backgammon story was foreshadowing the final season?), I thought I'd take this opportunity to confirm my superior intelligence in respect to Alex Trebek.

I was planning on citing an example from last night's Jeopardy when Alex condescendingly spelled out a word to the contestants who were unable to answer a question correctly and lo and behold, he spelled it wrong (a-u-g-e-r instead of a-u-g-u-r). I was also planning on mentioning that I caught it and was vindicated minutes later when Alex was informed of his mistake and apologized for having misspoken (I actually don't remember if he said "misspoke" instead of "made a mistake" but I'm going to go ahead and trust my instincts on this one). But I don't really need to address any of that because his inferior intelligence is so blatantly clear even without such specific examples.

Though I may never be bright enough to go on Jeopardy, I can take solace in the fact that I'm at least smarter than the host. Which is more than I can say about Wheel of Fortune, because Pat Sajak cleaned up on Celebrity Jeopardy while, by the way, simultaneously stealing the show. Honestly, Pat Sajak is kind of a comedic genius.

Episode 408

Since the State of the Union address aired last night, I think it's obvious what I'll be posting about today.

American Idol.

Neil Patrick Harris's appearance as a guest judge was a stroke of pure genius and a nice change of pace from the surprisingly bitchy and condescending Avril Lavigne. In any case, if Harris's stint on Idol is any indication of what his alleged guest role on Glee will be like, the answer is -- wait for it -- awesome. Other than the twelve-too-many Doogie Howser jokes made (that's on Fox, not NPH), it was pure bliss -- particularly when he began hum-harmonizing to the theme song from Barney. And no, there's no double-HIMYM-meaning anywhere in that.

Last night we also saw Randy at his best. In addition to such profound musical guidance as "No, dude, I mean, really, right?" Randy completely overturned the rules of mathematics, telling several people that he was voting "a million percent yes" and even giving one lucky auditioner "a billion percent yes" (that's 1,000,000,000% for those of you who wanted to visualize). That really makes Kara's 110%s and Simon's definitelies and absolutelies seem quite tame.

For those of you who were watching DVRed Obama instead of American Idol (I know more people still vote for president than American Idol, but not by much) -- there was a worth-watching TV commentary in song on last night's episode. This guy should musical blog. With Neil Patrick Harris.

Episode 407

As the return of LOST approaches, I'd like to write about something near and dear to all of our hearts: The Constant. Though I'm sure we've all analyzed (to death) who or what our constant is in our own lives -- not to mention its many implications on the program -- it's interesting to think about constants withinTV shows.

With Simon's recently-announced departure from American Idol, many viewers wonder whether the show will last. Can it succeed without Simon? My prediction -- based on the science of the constant -- is yes. Because of Ryan Seacrest's (awesome and) continuing presence on the show, fans will still be in their comfort zone watching and it won't feel like their whole world was turned upside down.

A similar example is found in shows like Survivor. How is it that fans have kept the show going for 20 seasons when (usually) none of the cast is recycled? Two words: Jeff Probst. Without Jeff Probst -- Survivor's constant -- the show wouldn't stand a chance.

For those of you who are about to object/stop reading because of my reliance on reality TV examples, The Constant Theory works for scripted shows as well. Something tells me, for example, that no one would be getting behind the Dillon Panthers for J.D. McCoy; but for Coach Taylor, our loyalty never dies. Friday Night Lights has had to filter out some of its central characters because of the whole graduating from high school thing, but with Coach, Tammy, and Buddy around, the show still feels like home.

So my advice to writers and producers would be this: make sure that, from Episode 1, you have a constant. Someone who won't quit, graduate, or decide he wants to make the move back to 11:35pm.

P.S. If you didn't click on the link above, now's the time. It is absolutely worth it, probably even more if you're not a LOST fan.

Episode 406

30 Rock finally lost its award-winning momentum this year at the Golden Globes (just ignore Alec Baldwin's absentee win) when it was beat out for best Comedy/Musical series by Glee. It was a nice change of pace, to say the least. I also applaud the Hollywood Foreign Press for the nomination of Modern Family, which has only been around for a few months, but has made a big and well-deserved splash. But here's my question: if the newborn Modern Family can earn a spot in the ceremony, where was Parks and Recreation?

Parks and Recreation has completely blown away the other Thursday night NBC shows this season. Last week's episode put the icing on the cake, when Will Arnett made a guest appearance as a potential love interest for Amy Poehler . But it wasn't just his spot-on and lingering facial expressions that made this episode such a stand-out.

While we've already determined that Parks and Recreation is no longer just The Office 2.0 (or 3.0, I guess), what was glaringly clear last Thursday was that Leslie Knope is no longer just a female version of Michael Scott. Yes, she still shares a lot of characteristics with the World's Best Boss, but there is something strikingly different about Leslie: she has a sense of self-awareness. She may say something crude and inappropriate to the camera, but instead of just smilingly blankly after the fact, she usually realizes her mistake. Similarly, and this is important, she has the ability to grasp when other people are crazy (i.e. Will Arnett's character) something that Michael Scott can never do (i.e. Todd Packer).

So, who has two thumbs and thinks Parks and Recreation should have won the Golden Globe?

THIS GUY.

Episode 405

When it comes down to it, Survivor is essentially the reality version of LOST -- or chronologically, I suppose, LOST is the non-reality version of Survivor. Take a look at this, and then at this: if no one had ever seen either show, they honestly might not be able to tell which promo picture was for which show.

The question I'd like to pose, though, is this: which brilliant creation -- LOST or Survivor -- is more influential for American culture? As a loyal viewer of both, it's hard for me judge objectively, so I'll just lay out the two sides to the argument and you can decide.

Survivor:
Variety just named Survivor the most influential show of the decade. It's true: Survivor created the reality-show-with-a-prize genre, which now dominates television. Think about it, Tila Tequila is famous because of Survivor. If that doesn't do it for you, here's another gem: Tina's rat/snake diatribe from the final tribal council on Season 1 was ranked among the Washington Post archive's "Top 10 Best Speeches," just below -- wait for it -- MLK Jr.'s "I have a dream." So... we currently have Survivor on the same playing field as the civil rights movement and Tila Tequila. Top that, LOST.

LOST:
As we all know and are obsessing about, the final season of LOST premieres on February 2. President Obama usually gives a little-known speech called the State of the Union address in late January, but this year, he considered postponing until the beginning of February: February 2 to be exact. Well, the American public would have none of that. All it took was an uproar from a ridiculous amount of crazed LOST fans for the White House to back down. I think the White House Press Secretary summed it up pretty well: "I don't foresee a scenario in which the millions of people who hope to see a conclusion to 'Lost' are pre-empted by the president."

"True that," responded America.

Episode 404

Uh oh.

This is not good news.

But remember, and I quote: "Television isn't lethal in and of itself." Words to live by.