Episode 621

The other night I was at a karaoke bar (please don't stop reading) and while my Swiss-philosopher friend was singing a choreographed version of "Larger Than Life" by the Backstreet Boys (seriously, please stay with me), he noticed that Friday Night Lights was playing on the TV in the bar.  A Giants game had been airing on NBC earlier that night - which, by the way, had given me an inflated sense of confidence about my rendition of REO Speedwagon's "Keep on Lovin' You" because of the intermittent cheers - and the TV was still tuned to that channel.  Needless to say, Coach and Tammy were a bit distracting, but even more problematic was this: having your eyes well up at the opening credits of melodramatic TV show is not exactly the impression you want to give at a dive bar.

In any case, one of the other people we had come with was only two seasons in to Friday Night Lights so I implored her not to look at the TV, for fear that she would see the nuclear missile hit Dillon, Texas and kill all the main characters.  (Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.)  She didn't listen, though, and the next thing I know, I hear "Uh oh, it looks like Tim Riggins is under deposition."  Luckily, no one is surprised to see that Tim Riggins is in trouble with the law.

Because there is no point to this story, other than to reminisce about Friday Night Lights, I will take this opportunity to say that even on mute, those characters convey more emotion than most actors could with all the words in the world.  If Kyle Chandler does not win the Emmy this year, heads will roll.  Or at least eyes will roll.  After giving Jim Parsons an Emmy last year, the Academy owes us one.  It actually owes us several.

Episode 620

I have resisted the temptation to write about The Bachelorette for precisely five weeks.  Self-editing is a virtue: a lesson Ashley, this season's per-fect (does anyone else notice that she pronounces that word too phonetically? - yes, I'm a very tolerant person) Bachelorette, needs to learn.  For those of you who have avoided ABC, People Magazine, and humanity for the past month or so: this season, Ashley fell immediately for Bentley, a seriously deranged lunatic who trashed her on national television and then left the show, claiming that he couldn't be away from his daughter.  Yes, this man is a father.

When he left, Bentley said that their love story wasn't over - instead, there was just a "dot-dot-dot."  (Deep, I know.)  Boy oh boy, did Ashley hang on to that one.

It would be exhausting and violence-inducing to count the number of times the name Bentley has been spoken this season on the show - I would estimate around two hundred (and we're only six episodes in).  What I can count, though, is how many times the word - oh wait, not word, totally ridiculous and meaningless phrase - "dot-dot-dot" was spoken on last night's episode: seven times.  That's twenty-one "dot"s in 79 minutes of television.  (Full disclosure: I fast-forwarded through all of the "coming up on The Bachelorette" clips, which constitute about 85% of the show, so my count doesn't even include those occurrences - I'd say we could safely double it.) 
 

Luckily, Ashley finally came to her senses and ended the madness using a well-deserved Cee Lo style farewell with three dots of its own: "f*** you."

Episode 619

Everything reminds me of The Office.  Everything.

An article on economic history?  Yeppers!

A Lady Gaga song on the radio?  Yesh!
 

Any situation in which someone counts to three (or the go that's after three)?  Absolutely it does.
 

The list goes on, and becomes more and more banal (I can't even go to the dentist or hear someone say "as well" without a little chuckle). I won't describe which scene in The Office each of those things reminds me of (though if you're reading this, you probably already know).  And in return, I'll ask you not to tell me which Swiss philosopher has informed your most recent relationship decision. 

Everyone has their own frame of reference - mine is TV.  And, of course, post-Foucauldian social theory.

Episode 618

Summer television has commenced, and while I'm tempted to already start raving about So You Think You Can Dance, I will hold off for now: it is a precious rarity of good summer TV and I'll need to use it when I very quickly run out of material.

While plenty of other, less talented reality TV will also air this summer, I'd like to focus on one new show in particular: Love in the Wild, an "adventure-dating" series that strands ten men and ten women in the Costa Rican jungle, competing against each other while simultaneous trying to find love.   I know what you're thinking: "How does this show exist?" Well, here's what I'm thinking: "How does this show exist only now?"  How did it take television 22 seasons of Survivor and 22 seasons of the Bachelor franchise to realize that the two are MFEO?

It does remind me, though, of my only reality TV star encounter ever, a story that I can now proudly recount because it is finally pertinent.  Yul - winner of Survivor: Cook Islands - opened a Red Mango three blocks from my house. I recognized him instantly at the grand opening (and yes, I'm proud of that).  When I approached him, he was incredibly friendly, but just a little too eager to tell me about some off-screen shenanigans.  Within thirty seconds of meeting him, he recounted an unclothed and inebriated hot tub incident involving Parvati and Ozzy, two of that season's most eye-candied contestants.

Bottom line: maybe the reason that it took them this long to produce a Survivor/Bachelor Pad mash-up is because it was essentially already happening behind the scenes.  But hey, better now than never.

Episode 617

Now that most shows have aired their finales, I think it's time a do a Top 10 Winners and Losers list for TV this season:

Winners*
1) Friday Night Lights (Every. Single. Moment.)
2) The Office post-Steve Carell (somehow)
3) Baby Lily on Modern Family (Sadly, she's going to have to start talking soon.)
4) Tom Haverford 
5) Michael Emerson on Parenthood
6) Boston Rob (literally...and finally.)
7) "Oh, Honey" 
8) Jennifer Lopez
9) Perfect Couples (I know you - and the people in charge - disagree.)
10) Richard Blais's drug dealer

Losers*
1) Matthew Morrison
2) Brad Womack
3) Ashton Kutcher (even more than Charlie Sheen, I'd say.)
4) American Idol voters
5) Carson Daly (if not for him, The Voice might have been on the other side of this.)
6) Community
7) Dexter (apparently - I'm a season behind, so I'm trusting my sources on this one.)
8) Gossip Girl
9) Richard Dreyfuss on Parenthood
10) Florence, Italy (this would be number 1, but Season 4 of Jersey Shore hasn't even aired yet.)


*Other than the #1 slots on both lists, these are in no particular order.  To clarify: that means that Friday Night Lights is the best thing that happened to television this year and Matthew Morrison is the worst thing that happened to television...ever.  Seriously insufferable.

Episode 616

Yet another blow-softener (do I even need to say it?) for Steve Carell's departure from prime time. The man himself was on Ellen this week (as was amazingly-east-coast-pride-filled John Krasinski), and she asked him if - having completed filming on The Office and Crazy, Stupid, Love - he is good at not having anything to do.  He responded:

"I am so great at not having anything to do.  I think I am an intrinsically, extremely lazy person.  And an entire day will go by and I will have done nothing but drive my kids to school, pick them up, have a cup of coffee, read the paper, and go to bed.  And that's it.  That's like...I have nothing to show for a day.  I love it.  I think I am just a lazy, lazy person at heart."

Most celebrities - and while we're at it, most human beings - love to flaunt how busy they are, no matter what absurdity the busyness consists of (how do you have time to be reading this blog, anyway?)  But as someone who often has nothing to show for a day, and loves it, I truly appreciate the sincerity of this phenomenal man. 

But I can't end this entry without giving credit to Ellen herself for another, almost-as-brilliant comment: "TV is the most important thing in the whole wide world.  Well...it's more important than reading and less important than money."  And she's completely unbiased.

Episode 615

There were only two things that could have softened the blow of Steve Carell leaving The Office: an absolutely perfect final episode or a huge "PSYCH!" displayed, Chuck Lorre-style, at the end of the hour.  I might have preferred the latter, given my embarrassingly tear-filled reaction to his departure, but I'll take what I can get - and they nailed it (that's what she said).  I feel like I'll somehow taint it if I try to dissect why it was so beautifully done, but it was absolutely a reward to those of us who followed Michael, for better or worse, through seven hilarious years.  And the fact that the episode was titled "Goodbye, Michael" reminded us perfectly of Michael at his "Goodbye, Toby" best.

With Steve Carell gone, and rumors that Alec Baldwin is next, I can only thank the NBC gods that Nick Offerman (Parks and Recreation's Ron Swanson) is going strong.  As brilliant as Aziz Ansari was on last week's episode - making it one of the most consistently funny half-hours in recent TV history - Nick Offerman once again stole the show this week, despite his limited screen-time.  The only way his speech at the art show could have been better is if Michael Scott had been waiting for him afterward at the bar, somehow proud of his own accomplishment.