Episode 710

When Chris Harrison agreed to host The Bachelor, he probably didn't think he'd ever be doing the play-by-play for an ice cream sundae obstacle course. Enter Bachelor Pad, and Chris is declaring, “Into the field of whipped cream!” and “The rest of the pack still scaling the the hot fudge wall.”

Not be be outdone by Chris Harrison, contestant Ed chimes in: “It's my turn to get into the nutsack.”

Thank you, Bachelor Pad, for always providing the punchline.

Episode 709

I was trying to give Felicity the benefit of the it's-not-just-a-Dawson's-Creek-rip-off doubt. I bit my tongue for months. And then Season 4, Episode 4  happened.

In just one episode, the following three Dawson's Creek plot points went down:

• Felicity enters a beauty pageant to win scholarship money. (See Joey entering a beauty pageant to win.)  
• Noel offers Felicity his windfall money to pay for school, but she's too proud to accept. (See Dawson offering Joey his windfall money, but she's too proud to accept.)
• Felicity is late, i.e., might be pregnant. Turns out she's not. (See Joey being late, i.e., might be pregnant. Turns out she's not.) 

Not convinced? Let's do another mini-checklist (this time, series-wide).

• Emotionally damaged bad boy becomes a Big Brother volunteer? Check. 
• Fire destroys the one thing the leading lady loves? Check.
• Smart overachieving girl cheats on a major assessment but gets off easy? Check.

If anyone else wants to join in on the fun, please do.

P.S. I'm really glad J.J. Abrams worked out the time-travel kinks in Felicity before he tried it on LOST. Because, oh boy, the kinks were aplenty. 

Episode 708

I was recently told by a good Christian boy from Texas that Friday Night Lights doesn't hold up. Yes, you heard that right. Friday Night Lights doesn't hold up.

I was horrified, naturally, but the reasonable side of me decided to turn to my most trusted TV critic for solace. And boy did I find it.

JamesPoniewozik is always the trump card—sorry, Good Christian Boy Who Is Almost Certainly Not Reading This.

Not only did Poniewozik calm my fears, he even compared TV to the serialized novel, which suddenly makes my already amazing job (writing about literature using TV references) that much better. Or validated. Or something. Whatever, I love my job.

Episode 707

The other day, I met someone who looked exactly like Michael Emerson (AKA Ben Linus). Exactly. Same eyes, same nose, same creepy-but-endearing personality.

And of course, no one else at the table saw it. Apparently, I have a tendency to think people look like celebrities when they in no way do. But I won't let it discourage me, and now I have one to share with the Olympic-watching world:

RyanLochte looks just like Luke Cafferty.

Talk amongst yourselves.

P.S. Jason Lezak has got to be related to Craig T. Nelson.

Episode 706

To Cancel or Not to Cancel?

That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the studio apartment to stick with cable or to relish in the glory of the Roku.

The run-down, based on pros. Yeah, the glass is always half full when it comes to TV.

Cable:

1. The Olympics
2. Getting to hear Alton and Bobby make fun of Giada. RICOTTA!
3. Tear-jerking contemporary routines on So You Think You Can Dance

Roku (i.e., Netflix):

1. Watching shows from the 90s and 00s that I never got to watch when they aired. We're talking Ugly Betty, Felicity, My So-Called Life, and so I don't seem like a total loser, Sports Night.
2. Unlimited, convenient reruns of The Office and How I Met Your Mother, two of the best rewatch value shows of all time.
3. That cool clicking sound it makes as you spend more time scrolling through your choices than you actually spend watching them.

When you throw Hulu Plus into the mix, all signs point to Roku. Speak now, or forever hold your peace.

Episode 705

January was a long month without cable.  But it turns out it was a blessing in disguise: if I'd had cable, I may have never met Henry Grubstick. In any case, my month-long roommate and I watched 85 episodes of Ugly Betty (i.e. the entire series) in 16 days.  (I'll let you do the math.) That's all to say that I think I can be considered at least a temporary authority on Ugly Betty.  And because of the number of times daily that I say "That's what she said" with no shame, I'd say I can claim authority on The Office, too.  With that, I'd like to take this opportunity to do a Wilhelmina Slater / Michael Scott comparison.

First, for those of you unfamiliar with these two beloved bosses, let's just do a quick run-down:

Michael Scott:

Food preferences: Awesome Blossom; milk and sugar
Minion: Dwight Schrute, suburban Pennsylvania beet farmer
Wardrobe preferences: Burlington Coat Factory; Casual Friday jeans
Biggest fear: Nothing. (Also, we would have accepted snakes.)

Wilhelmina Slater:

Food preferences: Caviar and champagne
Minion: Mark St. James, trendy Manhattan fashionista
Wardrobe: She can turn a prison jumpsuit into fashion
Biggest fear: Failure

You get my point – these two could not be more different.  But it all comes down to this: Michael Scott's life goal is to be loved. He hates disappointing people and would do anything to be liked.

And the amazing Wilhelmina Slater takes that all down with one line: "I'd rather be hated than inconvenienced." 

So, are you a Michael or a Wilhelmina?  Or both?

Episode 704

Last week, I woke up to the following e-mail from my roommate (who is currently three thousand miles away, and so, not my roommate).

"1) Paul Rudd on Parks and Rec!!!!

2) Up all night best first 30 seconds ever.  Haven't seen the rest because I was so inspired to write."

Now this is the kind of e-mail I want to wake up to in the morning.  While it does indicate that I have not been watching real-time TV, it also indicates that the people who matter most know what matters most. 

And while we're at it, I'd like to take this opportunity to tell anyone I know who used to work for Parks and Recreation that the silent treatment begins now and communication resumes whenever you get me my date with Paul.

Episode 703

You heard it here first. 

Now you're going to hear it again here.  Someone else - who happens to be just a hair more hilarious than I am - hates the Jeopardy story-telling ritual as much as I do.

Thank you, world.  (And thank you to my favorite sister for pointing this out.)

Episode 702

My will power lasted for one post, but I can't hold it in any longer.  I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  That means it's official: middle-aged men are not the only ones who love Buffy.  I can't quite put my finger on what is so attractive about the show, but it's like a drug.  It has the quippy dialogue of Dawson's Creek, the teen angst of, um, Dawson's Creek, and the cast of, well, Dawson's Creek (as far as guest stars go, at least).  But Buffy came first.

Yes, Buffy can do more tricks than Kerri Strug.  Yes, vampires always wait just one second too long to bite their prey and then end up getting killed by the Slayer.  Yes, Giles and Buffy have a really inappropriate relationship that has probably turned many a school librarian into pedophiles.  But the excitement!  The gore!  The bad 90s effects!

That brings me to my final point.  My old friend, Swank, suggested that I go as Buffy for Halloween.  I thought about it and I was stumped: there's no way to go as Buffy.  I could go as Joey Potter in a second: long and lean jeans with a tank top that's just a hair too short.  Done.  But Buffy? Black pleather pants and an orange spaghetti strap tank top?  A schoolgirl skirt with knee-high boots and a sweater?  An off-the-shoulders Ann Taylor style shirt with a bright red choker?  Too many options!  Basically, in order to dress up as Buffy, you just need to wear clothes, be super hot, and be a total freakin' bad ass.

Episode 701

I'm pulling an Archer and having a quick off-season run.  Since I seem to have blogitment phobia (yes, I realize how much that didn't work), I might just start employing a post-as-I-please attitude, and see how it goes.  By now, the fall line-up has had time to show its true colors - I have a lot to say about it, but I'll start small.

New Girl.  This show is causing me some major emotional turmoil, which is odd, since it's probably the least emotionally complex show on TV (though I haven't seen Ringer yet, so I'd expect to be proven wrong there).  The issue is this: Zooey Deschanel's character (and Zooey Deschanel, for that matter) is freakin' adorable.  She's sweet, she's funny, she's charming, she's hilarious, and she's beautiful.  But if she existed in real life, she would be, by far, my least favorite person on the planet.  This is my impression of real-life Jess (much better live, but you take what you can get): "What?  I'm being quirky? I didn't even realize!  This is just how I am!"  NO IT'S NOT.  You're putting on a show.  Ahem, anyway: she'd basically be the worst combination of a hipster, a flake, a poser (do people actually say poser anymore?), and a hippie.

But I love her.  And therein lies the rub.

Interlude

Just to make sure everyone's still watching TV when the brilliant 2011 season opens:

1) Truer words have never been spoken.

2) My TV fairy godfather (and Godfather) has changed my life with a tiny little miracle called the Roku.  In doing so, he's changed your lives, too, because I now have so much more material (which will start up again at a date TBD).

3) A list of the top 10 shows I am watching this fall, and you should, too (for those of you new to these posts, this will also help familiarize you with my tastes, and get you running straight in the other direction):

New:
Suburgatory
Person of Interest
Free Agents
Up All Night
2 Broke Girls

Returning*:
The Office
Parks and Recreation
Modern Family
Parenthood
90210

*Please join me in honoring the art of television and don't watch Glee.

P.S. Don't forget about the Emmy Awards on Sunday.  GO PANTHERS.

Episode 622

One final installment before I go on official hiatus (as opposed to the unofficial hiatus of the last month).  This time, I have a good excuse: HBO GO.  So many shows at my fingertips, there won't be much time for anything else.  Except Bachelor Pad.  It turns out the premiere was three hours long, and it turns out I watched the whole thing.  If it redeems me at all, I did delete Jersey Shore from my DVR approximately three minutes into the first episode (I had to record it since it was in Florence, but it wasn't even close to worth it).  In any case, all of my summer reality TV will be made up for by the high class shows that HBO has to offer.

OH WAIT.

Granted, I maybe didn't start at the top of the critically-acclaimed list, but what on earth is so great about True Blood?  I only made it halfway through the third episode of the first season before I decided to call it quits.  My main issue with it is this: Anna Paquin.  And the rest of the show.  And I think that's all.

So, until next time, I leave you with my top pick for the new fall line-up: Suburgatory.  No particular reason, I just have a feeling it's going to be a game-changer.

Episode 621

The other night I was at a karaoke bar (please don't stop reading) and while my Swiss-philosopher friend was singing a choreographed version of "Larger Than Life" by the Backstreet Boys (seriously, please stay with me), he noticed that Friday Night Lights was playing on the TV in the bar.  A Giants game had been airing on NBC earlier that night - which, by the way, had given me an inflated sense of confidence about my rendition of REO Speedwagon's "Keep on Lovin' You" because of the intermittent cheers - and the TV was still tuned to that channel.  Needless to say, Coach and Tammy were a bit distracting, but even more problematic was this: having your eyes well up at the opening credits of melodramatic TV show is not exactly the impression you want to give at a dive bar.

In any case, one of the other people we had come with was only two seasons in to Friday Night Lights so I implored her not to look at the TV, for fear that she would see the nuclear missile hit Dillon, Texas and kill all the main characters.  (Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.)  She didn't listen, though, and the next thing I know, I hear "Uh oh, it looks like Tim Riggins is under deposition."  Luckily, no one is surprised to see that Tim Riggins is in trouble with the law.

Because there is no point to this story, other than to reminisce about Friday Night Lights, I will take this opportunity to say that even on mute, those characters convey more emotion than most actors could with all the words in the world.  If Kyle Chandler does not win the Emmy this year, heads will roll.  Or at least eyes will roll.  After giving Jim Parsons an Emmy last year, the Academy owes us one.  It actually owes us several.

Episode 620

I have resisted the temptation to write about The Bachelorette for precisely five weeks.  Self-editing is a virtue: a lesson Ashley, this season's per-fect (does anyone else notice that she pronounces that word too phonetically? - yes, I'm a very tolerant person) Bachelorette, needs to learn.  For those of you who have avoided ABC, People Magazine, and humanity for the past month or so: this season, Ashley fell immediately for Bentley, a seriously deranged lunatic who trashed her on national television and then left the show, claiming that he couldn't be away from his daughter.  Yes, this man is a father.

When he left, Bentley said that their love story wasn't over - instead, there was just a "dot-dot-dot."  (Deep, I know.)  Boy oh boy, did Ashley hang on to that one.

It would be exhausting and violence-inducing to count the number of times the name Bentley has been spoken this season on the show - I would estimate around two hundred (and we're only six episodes in).  What I can count, though, is how many times the word - oh wait, not word, totally ridiculous and meaningless phrase - "dot-dot-dot" was spoken on last night's episode: seven times.  That's twenty-one "dot"s in 79 minutes of television.  (Full disclosure: I fast-forwarded through all of the "coming up on The Bachelorette" clips, which constitute about 85% of the show, so my count doesn't even include those occurrences - I'd say we could safely double it.) 
 

Luckily, Ashley finally came to her senses and ended the madness using a well-deserved Cee Lo style farewell with three dots of its own: "f*** you."

Episode 619

Everything reminds me of The Office.  Everything.

An article on economic history?  Yeppers!

A Lady Gaga song on the radio?  Yesh!
 

Any situation in which someone counts to three (or the go that's after three)?  Absolutely it does.
 

The list goes on, and becomes more and more banal (I can't even go to the dentist or hear someone say "as well" without a little chuckle). I won't describe which scene in The Office each of those things reminds me of (though if you're reading this, you probably already know).  And in return, I'll ask you not to tell me which Swiss philosopher has informed your most recent relationship decision. 

Everyone has their own frame of reference - mine is TV.  And, of course, post-Foucauldian social theory.

Episode 618

Summer television has commenced, and while I'm tempted to already start raving about So You Think You Can Dance, I will hold off for now: it is a precious rarity of good summer TV and I'll need to use it when I very quickly run out of material.

While plenty of other, less talented reality TV will also air this summer, I'd like to focus on one new show in particular: Love in the Wild, an "adventure-dating" series that strands ten men and ten women in the Costa Rican jungle, competing against each other while simultaneous trying to find love.   I know what you're thinking: "How does this show exist?" Well, here's what I'm thinking: "How does this show exist only now?"  How did it take television 22 seasons of Survivor and 22 seasons of the Bachelor franchise to realize that the two are MFEO?

It does remind me, though, of my only reality TV star encounter ever, a story that I can now proudly recount because it is finally pertinent.  Yul - winner of Survivor: Cook Islands - opened a Red Mango three blocks from my house. I recognized him instantly at the grand opening (and yes, I'm proud of that).  When I approached him, he was incredibly friendly, but just a little too eager to tell me about some off-screen shenanigans.  Within thirty seconds of meeting him, he recounted an unclothed and inebriated hot tub incident involving Parvati and Ozzy, two of that season's most eye-candied contestants.

Bottom line: maybe the reason that it took them this long to produce a Survivor/Bachelor Pad mash-up is because it was essentially already happening behind the scenes.  But hey, better now than never.

Episode 617

Now that most shows have aired their finales, I think it's time a do a Top 10 Winners and Losers list for TV this season:

Winners*
1) Friday Night Lights (Every. Single. Moment.)
2) The Office post-Steve Carell (somehow)
3) Baby Lily on Modern Family (Sadly, she's going to have to start talking soon.)
4) Tom Haverford 
5) Michael Emerson on Parenthood
6) Boston Rob (literally...and finally.)
7) "Oh, Honey" 
8) Jennifer Lopez
9) Perfect Couples (I know you - and the people in charge - disagree.)
10) Richard Blais's drug dealer

Losers*
1) Matthew Morrison
2) Brad Womack
3) Ashton Kutcher (even more than Charlie Sheen, I'd say.)
4) American Idol voters
5) Carson Daly (if not for him, The Voice might have been on the other side of this.)
6) Community
7) Dexter (apparently - I'm a season behind, so I'm trusting my sources on this one.)
8) Gossip Girl
9) Richard Dreyfuss on Parenthood
10) Florence, Italy (this would be number 1, but Season 4 of Jersey Shore hasn't even aired yet.)


*Other than the #1 slots on both lists, these are in no particular order.  To clarify: that means that Friday Night Lights is the best thing that happened to television this year and Matthew Morrison is the worst thing that happened to television...ever.  Seriously insufferable.

Episode 616

Yet another blow-softener (do I even need to say it?) for Steve Carell's departure from prime time. The man himself was on Ellen this week (as was amazingly-east-coast-pride-filled John Krasinski), and she asked him if - having completed filming on The Office and Crazy, Stupid, Love - he is good at not having anything to do.  He responded:

"I am so great at not having anything to do.  I think I am an intrinsically, extremely lazy person.  And an entire day will go by and I will have done nothing but drive my kids to school, pick them up, have a cup of coffee, read the paper, and go to bed.  And that's it.  That's like...I have nothing to show for a day.  I love it.  I think I am just a lazy, lazy person at heart."

Most celebrities - and while we're at it, most human beings - love to flaunt how busy they are, no matter what absurdity the busyness consists of (how do you have time to be reading this blog, anyway?)  But as someone who often has nothing to show for a day, and loves it, I truly appreciate the sincerity of this phenomenal man. 

But I can't end this entry without giving credit to Ellen herself for another, almost-as-brilliant comment: "TV is the most important thing in the whole wide world.  Well...it's more important than reading and less important than money."  And she's completely unbiased.

Episode 615

There were only two things that could have softened the blow of Steve Carell leaving The Office: an absolutely perfect final episode or a huge "PSYCH!" displayed, Chuck Lorre-style, at the end of the hour.  I might have preferred the latter, given my embarrassingly tear-filled reaction to his departure, but I'll take what I can get - and they nailed it (that's what she said).  I feel like I'll somehow taint it if I try to dissect why it was so beautifully done, but it was absolutely a reward to those of us who followed Michael, for better or worse, through seven hilarious years.  And the fact that the episode was titled "Goodbye, Michael" reminded us perfectly of Michael at his "Goodbye, Toby" best.

With Steve Carell gone, and rumors that Alec Baldwin is next, I can only thank the NBC gods that Nick Offerman (Parks and Recreation's Ron Swanson) is going strong.  As brilliant as Aziz Ansari was on last week's episode - making it one of the most consistently funny half-hours in recent TV history - Nick Offerman once again stole the show this week, despite his limited screen-time.  The only way his speech at the art show could have been better is if Michael Scott had been waiting for him afterward at the bar, somehow proud of his own accomplishment.

Episode 614

It had been about two years since I'd watched an episode of Dawson's Creek, and the other day I decided to give it another go: a walk down memory lane, some face time with my old friend Pacey.  Well, I'm not sure if the transition from early- to mid-twenties gave me a few extra brain cells, but wow, what a terrible show.  Don't get me wrong, it will always be in my heart, and I will never stop relating my personal experiences to it and making everyone around me do the same, but I might not be breaking out those DVDs again until I'm sure that pure nostalgia will carry me through.

The friend who inadvertently got me hooked on Dawson's Creek (by rolling her eyes as I cried my heart out during Jen's dying monologue in the series finale, the first episode I'd ever seen) just pointed me to this: a list of TV shows that could have been a lot better, if only... I agree with 100% of them (as long as Marshall gets to stick around as Barney's sidekick on How I Met Your Mother 2.0), but since there are only 19, I thought I'd round it out with my own #20: Dawson's Creek would have been better if every time Katie Holmes or James Van Der Beek said anything, everyone responded in unison: "No one cares."  And while we're at it, perhaps we can discover why Jen's American grandma had a British accent.