Episode 703

You heard it here first. 

Now you're going to hear it again here.  Someone else - who happens to be just a hair more hilarious than I am - hates the Jeopardy story-telling ritual as much as I do.

Thank you, world.  (And thank you to my favorite sister for pointing this out.)

Episode 702

My will power lasted for one post, but I can't hold it in any longer.  I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  That means it's official: middle-aged men are not the only ones who love Buffy.  I can't quite put my finger on what is so attractive about the show, but it's like a drug.  It has the quippy dialogue of Dawson's Creek, the teen angst of, um, Dawson's Creek, and the cast of, well, Dawson's Creek (as far as guest stars go, at least).  But Buffy came first.

Yes, Buffy can do more tricks than Kerri Strug.  Yes, vampires always wait just one second too long to bite their prey and then end up getting killed by the Slayer.  Yes, Giles and Buffy have a really inappropriate relationship that has probably turned many a school librarian into pedophiles.  But the excitement!  The gore!  The bad 90s effects!

That brings me to my final point.  My old friend, Swank, suggested that I go as Buffy for Halloween.  I thought about it and I was stumped: there's no way to go as Buffy.  I could go as Joey Potter in a second: long and lean jeans with a tank top that's just a hair too short.  Done.  But Buffy? Black pleather pants and an orange spaghetti strap tank top?  A schoolgirl skirt with knee-high boots and a sweater?  An off-the-shoulders Ann Taylor style shirt with a bright red choker?  Too many options!  Basically, in order to dress up as Buffy, you just need to wear clothes, be super hot, and be a total freakin' bad ass.

Episode 701

I'm pulling an Archer and having a quick off-season run.  Since I seem to have blogitment phobia (yes, I realize how much that didn't work), I might just start employing a post-as-I-please attitude, and see how it goes.  By now, the fall line-up has had time to show its true colors - I have a lot to say about it, but I'll start small.

New Girl.  This show is causing me some major emotional turmoil, which is odd, since it's probably the least emotionally complex show on TV (though I haven't seen Ringer yet, so I'd expect to be proven wrong there).  The issue is this: Zooey Deschanel's character (and Zooey Deschanel, for that matter) is freakin' adorable.  She's sweet, she's funny, she's charming, she's hilarious, and she's beautiful.  But if she existed in real life, she would be, by far, my least favorite person on the planet.  This is my impression of real-life Jess (much better live, but you take what you can get): "What?  I'm being quirky? I didn't even realize!  This is just how I am!"  NO IT'S NOT.  You're putting on a show.  Ahem, anyway: she'd basically be the worst combination of a hipster, a flake, a poser (do people actually say poser anymore?), and a hippie.

But I love her.  And therein lies the rub.

Interlude

Just to make sure everyone's still watching TV when the brilliant 2011 season opens:

1) Truer words have never been spoken.

2) My TV fairy godfather (and Godfather) has changed my life with a tiny little miracle called the Roku.  In doing so, he's changed your lives, too, because I now have so much more material (which will start up again at a date TBD).

3) A list of the top 10 shows I am watching this fall, and you should, too (for those of you new to these posts, this will also help familiarize you with my tastes, and get you running straight in the other direction):

New:
Suburgatory
Person of Interest
Free Agents
Up All Night
2 Broke Girls

Returning*:
The Office
Parks and Recreation
Modern Family
Parenthood
90210

*Please join me in honoring the art of television and don't watch Glee.

P.S. Don't forget about the Emmy Awards on Sunday.  GO PANTHERS.

Episode 622

One final installment before I go on official hiatus (as opposed to the unofficial hiatus of the last month).  This time, I have a good excuse: HBO GO.  So many shows at my fingertips, there won't be much time for anything else.  Except Bachelor Pad.  It turns out the premiere was three hours long, and it turns out I watched the whole thing.  If it redeems me at all, I did delete Jersey Shore from my DVR approximately three minutes into the first episode (I had to record it since it was in Florence, but it wasn't even close to worth it).  In any case, all of my summer reality TV will be made up for by the high class shows that HBO has to offer.

OH WAIT.

Granted, I maybe didn't start at the top of the critically-acclaimed list, but what on earth is so great about True Blood?  I only made it halfway through the third episode of the first season before I decided to call it quits.  My main issue with it is this: Anna Paquin.  And the rest of the show.  And I think that's all.

So, until next time, I leave you with my top pick for the new fall line-up: Suburgatory.  No particular reason, I just have a feeling it's going to be a game-changer.

Episode 621

The other night I was at a karaoke bar (please don't stop reading) and while my Swiss-philosopher friend was singing a choreographed version of "Larger Than Life" by the Backstreet Boys (seriously, please stay with me), he noticed that Friday Night Lights was playing on the TV in the bar.  A Giants game had been airing on NBC earlier that night - which, by the way, had given me an inflated sense of confidence about my rendition of REO Speedwagon's "Keep on Lovin' You" because of the intermittent cheers - and the TV was still tuned to that channel.  Needless to say, Coach and Tammy were a bit distracting, but even more problematic was this: having your eyes well up at the opening credits of melodramatic TV show is not exactly the impression you want to give at a dive bar.

In any case, one of the other people we had come with was only two seasons in to Friday Night Lights so I implored her not to look at the TV, for fear that she would see the nuclear missile hit Dillon, Texas and kill all the main characters.  (Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.)  She didn't listen, though, and the next thing I know, I hear "Uh oh, it looks like Tim Riggins is under deposition."  Luckily, no one is surprised to see that Tim Riggins is in trouble with the law.

Because there is no point to this story, other than to reminisce about Friday Night Lights, I will take this opportunity to say that even on mute, those characters convey more emotion than most actors could with all the words in the world.  If Kyle Chandler does not win the Emmy this year, heads will roll.  Or at least eyes will roll.  After giving Jim Parsons an Emmy last year, the Academy owes us one.  It actually owes us several.

Episode 620

I have resisted the temptation to write about The Bachelorette for precisely five weeks.  Self-editing is a virtue: a lesson Ashley, this season's per-fect (does anyone else notice that she pronounces that word too phonetically? - yes, I'm a very tolerant person) Bachelorette, needs to learn.  For those of you who have avoided ABC, People Magazine, and humanity for the past month or so: this season, Ashley fell immediately for Bentley, a seriously deranged lunatic who trashed her on national television and then left the show, claiming that he couldn't be away from his daughter.  Yes, this man is a father.

When he left, Bentley said that their love story wasn't over - instead, there was just a "dot-dot-dot."  (Deep, I know.)  Boy oh boy, did Ashley hang on to that one.

It would be exhausting and violence-inducing to count the number of times the name Bentley has been spoken this season on the show - I would estimate around two hundred (and we're only six episodes in).  What I can count, though, is how many times the word - oh wait, not word, totally ridiculous and meaningless phrase - "dot-dot-dot" was spoken on last night's episode: seven times.  That's twenty-one "dot"s in 79 minutes of television.  (Full disclosure: I fast-forwarded through all of the "coming up on The Bachelorette" clips, which constitute about 85% of the show, so my count doesn't even include those occurrences - I'd say we could safely double it.) 
 

Luckily, Ashley finally came to her senses and ended the madness using a well-deserved Cee Lo style farewell with three dots of its own: "f*** you."

Episode 619

Everything reminds me of The Office.  Everything.

An article on economic history?  Yeppers!

A Lady Gaga song on the radio?  Yesh!
 

Any situation in which someone counts to three (or the go that's after three)?  Absolutely it does.
 

The list goes on, and becomes more and more banal (I can't even go to the dentist or hear someone say "as well" without a little chuckle). I won't describe which scene in The Office each of those things reminds me of (though if you're reading this, you probably already know).  And in return, I'll ask you not to tell me which Swiss philosopher has informed your most recent relationship decision. 

Everyone has their own frame of reference - mine is TV.  And, of course, post-Foucauldian social theory.

Episode 618

Summer television has commenced, and while I'm tempted to already start raving about So You Think You Can Dance, I will hold off for now: it is a precious rarity of good summer TV and I'll need to use it when I very quickly run out of material.

While plenty of other, less talented reality TV will also air this summer, I'd like to focus on one new show in particular: Love in the Wild, an "adventure-dating" series that strands ten men and ten women in the Costa Rican jungle, competing against each other while simultaneous trying to find love.   I know what you're thinking: "How does this show exist?" Well, here's what I'm thinking: "How does this show exist only now?"  How did it take television 22 seasons of Survivor and 22 seasons of the Bachelor franchise to realize that the two are MFEO?

It does remind me, though, of my only reality TV star encounter ever, a story that I can now proudly recount because it is finally pertinent.  Yul - winner of Survivor: Cook Islands - opened a Red Mango three blocks from my house. I recognized him instantly at the grand opening (and yes, I'm proud of that).  When I approached him, he was incredibly friendly, but just a little too eager to tell me about some off-screen shenanigans.  Within thirty seconds of meeting him, he recounted an unclothed and inebriated hot tub incident involving Parvati and Ozzy, two of that season's most eye-candied contestants.

Bottom line: maybe the reason that it took them this long to produce a Survivor/Bachelor Pad mash-up is because it was essentially already happening behind the scenes.  But hey, better now than never.

Episode 617

Now that most shows have aired their finales, I think it's time a do a Top 10 Winners and Losers list for TV this season:

Winners*
1) Friday Night Lights (Every. Single. Moment.)
2) The Office post-Steve Carell (somehow)
3) Baby Lily on Modern Family (Sadly, she's going to have to start talking soon.)
4) Tom Haverford 
5) Michael Emerson on Parenthood
6) Boston Rob (literally...and finally.)
7) "Oh, Honey" 
8) Jennifer Lopez
9) Perfect Couples (I know you - and the people in charge - disagree.)
10) Richard Blais's drug dealer

Losers*
1) Matthew Morrison
2) Brad Womack
3) Ashton Kutcher (even more than Charlie Sheen, I'd say.)
4) American Idol voters
5) Carson Daly (if not for him, The Voice might have been on the other side of this.)
6) Community
7) Dexter (apparently - I'm a season behind, so I'm trusting my sources on this one.)
8) Gossip Girl
9) Richard Dreyfuss on Parenthood
10) Florence, Italy (this would be number 1, but Season 4 of Jersey Shore hasn't even aired yet.)


*Other than the #1 slots on both lists, these are in no particular order.  To clarify: that means that Friday Night Lights is the best thing that happened to television this year and Matthew Morrison is the worst thing that happened to television...ever.  Seriously insufferable.

Episode 616

Yet another blow-softener (do I even need to say it?) for Steve Carell's departure from prime time. The man himself was on Ellen this week (as was amazingly-east-coast-pride-filled John Krasinski), and she asked him if - having completed filming on The Office and Crazy, Stupid, Love - he is good at not having anything to do.  He responded:

"I am so great at not having anything to do.  I think I am an intrinsically, extremely lazy person.  And an entire day will go by and I will have done nothing but drive my kids to school, pick them up, have a cup of coffee, read the paper, and go to bed.  And that's it.  That's like...I have nothing to show for a day.  I love it.  I think I am just a lazy, lazy person at heart."

Most celebrities - and while we're at it, most human beings - love to flaunt how busy they are, no matter what absurdity the busyness consists of (how do you have time to be reading this blog, anyway?)  But as someone who often has nothing to show for a day, and loves it, I truly appreciate the sincerity of this phenomenal man. 

But I can't end this entry without giving credit to Ellen herself for another, almost-as-brilliant comment: "TV is the most important thing in the whole wide world.  Well...it's more important than reading and less important than money."  And she's completely unbiased.

Episode 615

There were only two things that could have softened the blow of Steve Carell leaving The Office: an absolutely perfect final episode or a huge "PSYCH!" displayed, Chuck Lorre-style, at the end of the hour.  I might have preferred the latter, given my embarrassingly tear-filled reaction to his departure, but I'll take what I can get - and they nailed it (that's what she said).  I feel like I'll somehow taint it if I try to dissect why it was so beautifully done, but it was absolutely a reward to those of us who followed Michael, for better or worse, through seven hilarious years.  And the fact that the episode was titled "Goodbye, Michael" reminded us perfectly of Michael at his "Goodbye, Toby" best.

With Steve Carell gone, and rumors that Alec Baldwin is next, I can only thank the NBC gods that Nick Offerman (Parks and Recreation's Ron Swanson) is going strong.  As brilliant as Aziz Ansari was on last week's episode - making it one of the most consistently funny half-hours in recent TV history - Nick Offerman once again stole the show this week, despite his limited screen-time.  The only way his speech at the art show could have been better is if Michael Scott had been waiting for him afterward at the bar, somehow proud of his own accomplishment.

Episode 614

It had been about two years since I'd watched an episode of Dawson's Creek, and the other day I decided to give it another go: a walk down memory lane, some face time with my old friend Pacey.  Well, I'm not sure if the transition from early- to mid-twenties gave me a few extra brain cells, but wow, what a terrible show.  Don't get me wrong, it will always be in my heart, and I will never stop relating my personal experiences to it and making everyone around me do the same, but I might not be breaking out those DVDs again until I'm sure that pure nostalgia will carry me through.

The friend who inadvertently got me hooked on Dawson's Creek (by rolling her eyes as I cried my heart out during Jen's dying monologue in the series finale, the first episode I'd ever seen) just pointed me to this: a list of TV shows that could have been a lot better, if only... I agree with 100% of them (as long as Marshall gets to stick around as Barney's sidekick on How I Met Your Mother 2.0), but since there are only 19, I thought I'd round it out with my own #20: Dawson's Creek would have been better if every time Katie Holmes or James Van Der Beek said anything, everyone responded in unison: "No one cares."  And while we're at it, perhaps we can discover why Jen's American grandma had a British accent.

Episode 613

A famous study, initiated at Bing Nursery School, tested children's capacities for delayed gratification.  They were given a marshmallow and told that they could either eat it right away, or, if they waited a certain amount of time, they would be given two marshmallows (basically a gold mine for a 3-year-old).  After following up with the participants decades later, researchers noticed that those who had waited for the second marshmallow had higher SAT scores and were generally described as more competent.  So: wait for the second one and not only do you get two marshmallows, but you apparently get life-long success.  You can see a rather hilarious repetition of the experiment here.

Television has recently decided to conduct this experiment on the American public.  NBC will be airing the final season of Friday Night Lights beginning next Friday, but because it was already aired on DirecTV, the DVDs were released last week.  This gave us all the option: buy the DVDs and watch them all at once for immediate but short-lived joy, or wait for them to air week by week, thus delaying (and extending) gratification.

In case you were wondering, I ate the marshmallow.  And it was absolutely worth a future of incompetence and failure.

Episode 612

On a recent version of the SAT, there was an essay question about the implications and impact of Reality TV on American society.  Ten years too late, SAT board - if I'd had that prompt, maybe I could have gotten into an Ivy, or (gasp!) Stanford.

Students have inevitably taken up arms against the question. I completely agree with their complaints: someone who watches Reality TV will have a much easier time responding.  A student knowledgeable about the genre could provide, or at least have in mind, specific examples that would support their argument or even help them form a convincing response.  (For instance, they could mention how awful it is that the cover of this week's People Magazine features Brad and Emily's rocky engagement while confining the tragedy in Japan to the sidebar, just above the discussion of Kate Middleton's bikini body).  So yes, the question is unfair. 

But too freakin' bad. 

Reality TV does have an impact on our society, for better or worse, and as informed citizens, high school students should be able to discuss it.  Not that they shouldn't also be informed about politics and the global economy (etc. etc. etc.) but that doesn't preclude an an awareness of television culture.  In fact, pop culture is the easiest of any "subject" to learn - it's the most accessible (literally and intellectually) and takes the fewest brain cells to process (though probably kills the most).  I'm not suggesting that sixteen-year-olds should be forced to watch Jersey Shore and America's Next Top Model, or that they need to know that first-ever Survivor winner, Richard Hatch, is back for another stint in prison.  But they should absolutely be able to form a clear argument about one of the most important American cultural phenomena.

And really, now that the SAT is out of 2400, no one over the age of 18 really knows what your score means anyway.

Episode 611

Jury duty is second only to filing taxes on the list of Things Americans Hate to Do.  I'm here to change that.  Having spent the past two days at jury duty, I can say with confidence that it is one of the most entertaining things I have ever done (take that as you will).  Why write about it here?  Because I would like to propose that it becomes a new TV show: a spin-off of The Office and Parks and Recreation that documents the jury selection process in a suburban courthouse.

I don't know quite how to describe the absurdity that ensued (although everyone knows a version of it), so instead, I'll just list off a few things I learned - or that I knew, but were confirmed for me - observing the process.

1) All Americans are either pretentious, crazy, or stupid (or some combination of the three): I knew it would all be downhill when so many people couldn't follow instructions that the administrative assistant had to lecture a room full of functioning adults on how to fill out a form.

2) As a general rule, people are not good liars, especially when it comes to pretending to be prejudiced (which is surprising, given that most of us are, in fact, quite prejudiced).

3) People who like to schmooze should not be allowed to be judges: I could elaborate, but let's just say this Phil Dunphy of a character referred to every female in the room - ages 18 to 80 - as "young lady."

4) Conciseness is not a strong suit of most Americans.  If you're going to BS your way out of serving, please do it immediately, and save everyone else the time. A fifteen-minute story about how you were pulled over by a police officer 23 years ago and how the experience has tainted your view of traffic violations really isn't in anyone's best interest. I have never thought the words "TMI" more in my life.

5) The sixth amendment should be further amended: in addition to "the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury," the defendant should have "the right to a private room and a television to watch all six seasons of LOST (or the equivalent) while the jury selection process is taking place."  As if being on trial isn't enough.

In this new show (which will air in Two and Half Men's old time slot), the judge, clerk, bailiff, recorder, and attorneys would be recurring characters, while the defendant and potential jurors would change each time (but of course there would be the Dwight Schrute of the group who came un-summoned to every selection - with the hopes of being seated - just to be a good citizen).

Basically, Jury Duty will be like The Office, but with no windows and the risk of perjury.

Episode 610

I assume Mel Gibson is sending Charlie Sheen some great, big thank-you flowers right about now.  Charlie Sheen has created a mockery of himself more than I - or anyone else - could possibly do, so it's not really even worth trying to be witty about it.  Lucky for me, someecards has already taken care of that and has captured, in seventeen distinct one-liners, how much America hates the beast and more importantly, Two and a Half Men.

Because Charlie Sheen has given TV a bad name, I want to propose an antidote: seven-year-old Riley Chandler.  These four minutes and seven seconds redeem television (and humanity) from every ill He Who Shall Continue to Be Named (on Every News Outlet in America) has ever committed.  This is almost better than baby pandas cuddling with their moms.

Episode 609

I'm writing this while sitting on the floor of SFO, waiting to board my flight to LAX (four-hour delay and counting). As much as I love the people-watching, this does mean I'm missing Thursday-night TV, including an episode of The Office called "Threat Level Midnight." (Can. Not. Wait.) To console myself, I'm going to write about a few things I loved this week on TV:

1) Michael Emerson on Parenthood. The one drawback of that otherwise flawless show is (and my driver in LAX agrees) the one-note portrayal of Max, the middle-schooler with Asperger's.  I'm not sure if it's the fault of the writers, the directors, or the child actor with a tremendously difficult role to play, but Max - who should be one of the show's more dynamic and sympathetic characters  - falls flat.  In any case, Michael Emerson (with just the right amount of Ben Linus in him) guest starred in this week's episode as a man with Asperger's - and he gave one of the most nuanced performances the show has ever seen (which is saying a lot given the knock-out talent on the regular cast). It's worth checking out (hulu.com - sorry for lack of links, I'm writing this old-school Notes style and will even if you don't follow the show.  P.S. Can we agree that Michael Emerson is the Christoph Waltz of the small screen?

2) The new feedingamerica.org ad campaign. This is a little less exciting when I can't link to examples, but let's just say that Taye Diggs, Matt Damon, and Ben Affleck made me want to pick Feeding America next time they ask me to choose a cause at Whole Foods. Commercials for charities that don't rely on Sarah McLachlan songs to elicit the tears are always okay in my book.

3) Elmo showing Padma who's boss.  The stars of Sesame Street were the (best) guest judges (ever) on Top Chef: All Stars this week. The challenge was to make cookies worthy of Cookie Monster. When one chef made a cookie with cinnamon and it was mistaken for cardamom, Padma, in true attempted-snobbery style, informed the Muppets that "cinnamon and cardamom come from the same part of the world." Elmo then retorted with what every viewer was thinking (and I quote): "TMI." 

Speaking of TMI, my butt is a bit sore from all this floor-sitting, so it's time to wrap up and take a stroll. Hey, it could be worse; it's 10:45pm on a Thursday - I could be watching Outsourced.

Episode 608

Yes it is, Entertainment Weekly, yes it is.

Episode 607

Maybe it's because Modern Family has been on a too-long hiatus, or maybe it's because of my blatant obsession with all-things-celebrity, but the other night, I had a dream that I met Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Mitch) and we became fast friends.  It felt incredibly real, because, in the dream, I was appropriately starstruck and shocked at how quickly he warmed up to me.  Cam was there, too - we also got along, but he was a little wrapped up in some other dream-weird activities.

In any case, it got me thinking - people always ask which celebrities you would want to meet, and the dream made me realize that the important criteria should not be fame or, say, utter hotness, it should be relatability.  Because how much would it suck to meet George Clooney, only to find out that you can't hold a conversation with him (let alone point to Darfur on a map)?

But how can you know who you would be able to relate to?  I mentioned before how celebrity interviews can be illuminating - and I think this is the key.  Be sure you relate to the actor, not just the character.  For instance, I love Ron Swanson, but on an interview on Conan recently, Nick Offerman (the actor behind Ron Swanson) listed off a few of his pet peeves, and I fit the people-he-hates bill just about perfectly...particularly in the "flip-flop sandal"-wearing category.

Luckily, based on interviews, Paul Rudd, Steve Carell, and Ty Burrell all still make the cut.  They might (might!) be funnier than me and at a slightly different life stage (maybe I'd fare better as a middle-aged man...), but I think they'd appreciate my jokes as much as the next guy.   That is, not at all.

Episode 606

Remember the good old days when parents were protesting against Dawson's Creek's "sexual frankness?" Pacey is sleeping with his teacher! Jen said penis! Dawson admitted to "walking his dog" to Katie Couric! (Okay, that last one is actually kind of traumatizing, but for entirely different reasons.)  Well, it's no revelation that we are now a far cry from the tame raciness of the 90s: sex, drugs, and rock and roll are all the Network Formally Known as The WB can talk about.  Until today, I might have argued that 90210 and Gossip Girl were leading the pack in showing Mothers Against Dawson's Creek who's boss.  And then I saw the commercial for Vampire Diaries - one phrase, two words, three syllables -- immeasurable implications:

CATCH VD.

What I find most fascinating about this slogan, other than its undeniable brilliance, is the fact that most of the demographic that watches Vampire Diaries probably had to Google "VD" to get the double entendre, yet every adult who would be mortified by the implication doesn't even have to think twice. I think Perez Hilton put it best (if I had a nickel for every time I heard that...) when he said: "And the Parents Television Council loses its mind in 3…2…1…"

Episode 605

The Thursday night NBC line-up did not disappoint when it returned last week.  Whatever was lacking in Community (not much) was made up for by yet another taste of Troy and Abed in the Morning.  I think a spin-off is in order.  Parks and Recreation premiered with a bang, as well, giving us something to root for (Harvest Festival! Pawnee! Andy!) and solidifying the fact that Rob Lowe is not only physically flawless, but also hilarious.  The Office reminded us why we love Michael and Holly (if the E.T. scene had gone on any longer, I think half of America might have died from awkwardness) and why we just love Michael.  It also reminded us that if we feel purposeless - and we attended a preppy college or university in the Northeast - there's nothing a little Dave Matthews can't fix.

What I'm most interested in for post-break week two, however, is Perfect Couples, a show set up to fail because of its inevitable comparisons to the rest of the line-up.  Luckily for Perfect Couples, though, it's more like Modern Family than Thursday night comedy.  While I won't put money on it yet, I will say that the show has potential (although I said the same thing for Running Wilde, and that fell flat).  The characters in Perfect Couples are still caricatures of themselves, but once the actors assimilate a bit more into their roles, the show could take off.  I'm looking forward to tonight to see how it holds up, but even if it flops, at least it won't be as embarrassing as this.  Mamma mia.

Episode 604

There is currently a poll on People.com asking: Was Steven Tyler too flirtatious with the American Idol contestants?

Currently, 70% of people have responded "No. He's a rocker! What did you expect?"  Well, I can answer that.  I expected that a 62 year-old-man would not tell a 16-year-old girl that she was showing just the right amount of leg in her outfit.  (Even Tom Haverford knows: half your age, plus seven - that's the cutoff). 

I wouldn't say I'm offended by this - I'm not here to judge.  Well, yes I am.  But I'm just saying, it doesn't make for good TV.  Awkward (and even offensive) is good when it's Michael Scott forgetting which Asian waitress is his date; not when we have watch a senior citizen gawk over a minor. 

Epsiode 603

Chris Harrison has once again had to defend himself against his seemingly expendable role on The Bachelor.  As much as I agree that we really don't need him to announce that "Ladies, Brad, this is the final rose tonight" since the editing makes it irritatingly impossible not to already know as much, I think we need to acknowledge that useless doesn't necessarily mean unwanted.  Andy Richter, anyone?

One of my favorite dispensable-but-not-unwanted TV "stars" is the cool and collected Deshawne, Patti's driver on Millionaire Matchmaker.  He is featured in somewhere between six and twenty seconds of each episode, unenthusiastically fielding Patti's questions as he carts her toward the millionaires.  He's not really serving much of a purpose (in regards to the show itself), but no one will deny that he's a breath of fresh air from the featured crazies who are attracted to women because they like them some "muzzarell'."

The list continues with someone like Vanna White, probably the most impractical figure on TV logistically speaking; but because she is such an American icon, we all let it slide.

Then, of course, there are the non-icons: the useless and unwanted.  Padma Lakshmi, for example: not quite a star, and definitely not necessary to the Top Chef dynasty: Tom introduces every challenge with her, so we don't need her there, and I'm far from taking her food critiques seriously since "cookbook author" doesn't really translate into food knowledge.

Even worse than Padma is everyone but the "third judge" on talent competition shows.  By third judge, I of course mean the Simon Cowell of the group - be it Piers Morgan on America's Got Talent, Nigel Lythgoe on So You Think You Can Dance, Ben Folds on The Sing-Off... and so on.  All the other judges are just decoration (tacky decoration, at that) - I'm convinced they are the reason DVR fast-forwarding exists.

The winning show for meaningless participation, however, is Big Brother, where everyone, from house guest to host to live audience member, is completely and utterly worthless.  These people make Chris Harrison look like Walter Cronkite.

Episode 602

As I kick off Season 6 of this blog, I think it's only fitting to shout out to my favorite six-season show, Dawson's Creek.  This was the first show I ever obsessed over, and I learned all of my life lessons from it, too - for better or, more likely, worse.

Most of the cast of Dawson's Creek has gone on to bigger and better (or just weirder) things: Michelle Williams is an Oscar-nominated actress, Joshua Jackson is the star of a hit TV show, and Katie Holmes... has a really stylish daughter?  James Van Der Beek's post-Creek success, on the other hand, has been, well, lacking.  But recently it has come to my attention that he is, at least, aware of this.  Perhaps as an antidote, he has jumped on the Funny or Die bandwagon.  In doing so, he has (redundantly) demonstrated that he is not quite as clever as Joshua Jackson, but he did show some gumption.

In another video, Van Der Beek says: "If you're under the age of 20, odds are you know me best from a five-second clip of me crying."  He is referring to this viral video which has frighteningly easily eclipsed his only professional success-story.  While the early work of other TV stars - like Neil Patrick Harris or any of the Judd Apatow crew - might also be forgotten by the younger TV-watching generations, the difference is that embarrassing YouTube clips don't dictate their current Hollywood status. 

But don't worry, James, it could be worse: you could be David Hasselhoff.

Episode 601

The least interesting thing on television is almost always the news.  Well, maybe second to Melissa D'Arabian's cooking show.  In any case, the news gets interesting when people get interesting.  By now, you've probably all seen the homeless man with the golden voice story.  Compelling (if bizarre), and so it went viral.

Currently on its way to going viral is the marriage of Jon and Caroline Kleiman, which took the form of a flash wedding at the Prudential Center in Boston.  The footage itself was popular (not to mention tear-inducing) but TV brought it to a new level: the newlyweds embraced the sensation and have already been featured on three different news programs.

Now that's the kind of story I want to watch on TV.  Leave the real news to magazine and newspapers - people who care about the news also tend to like to do boring things like read, right?  So, win-win-win.